Daily Defamation

Unsolicited Proofreading Improves Life for Poor, Starving Children

2007-05-12T09:41:00.000-07:00

What possesses you to spend your personal time writing e-mail to bloggers about a) a typo, b) a misspelling, or c) your stupid opinions? If you want to type flawlessly, spell correctly, and have someone give a shit about what you think, stop e-griping at others and write your own blog. This also applies to any other pointless whining your doing about what's in the newspapers, magazines, movies, or on TV. You actually can point your eyes away when you don't like looking at something.

But nobody will notice your a failure if you make enough noise pointing out the failures of others. Right? Because when God handed down the commandments to Mosses, the 11th one was, "Thou shalt not do anything worthwhile if thou can complain about what others accomplish." It got left off because some ass-hole sent a tablet to Mosses complaining about a typo.

So maybe instead of masturbating while you cruise the internet for typographical errors, you should go out and do something to make the world a better place. Just wash your hands first.

Surreptitious Farting Kills Hope for World Peace

2007-03-06T21:45:00.000-08:00

Bad news assholes, as long as you keep surreptitiously farting in public, there is no hope for world peace. I know that exposure to a large open space can give you the urge to take a territorial shit, but try to remember that we are a part of this "civilization" thingy that requires behavior slightly above the "ape" level, including holding in your farts while stuck in the middle of a large, milling crowd of your fellow citizens. American malls are absolutely lousy with bathrooms in which you may blast out the remains of that jalapeno cheese log in private. Just a suggestion.

Let's All Admit that we Hate Each Other

2007-01-19T13:16:00.000-08:00

Let's all admit that we really only want to interact with people we know. After that, we are willing to talk to people we would have sex with and people from whom we can bum smokes. After that, celebrities, the lady who brought cup-cakes, and people with dogs. Regardless of these facts, please don't sit at a table for four if you are a party of two. I know that it's like so gross to have to sit next to another couple and make the effort to ignore them even though they are only 6-inches away, but you are wasting space. It's the lunch rush. You may not care about efficiency, but some people do and they wish you were dead.

Now maybe you aren't sitting at the four-top in an attempt to not speak to other people. Maybe you are dodging some foreigner's B.O. or you are at that booth because your ass is too big for anything but a booth. Either way, you are inconveniencing people and those people think you're an piece of shit. Because of you, they have to take their lunch to-go and eat it in a soul-crushing corporate prison. So as a New Year's resolution, wake up tomorrow, sit at an appropriately sized table, and stop acting like a douche.

You Can’t Overestimate the Importance of Not Sucking

2006-12-05T06:51:00.000-08:00

Not sucking is an important factor, dare I say a necessity, in your quest for success. Too bad for you that 99% of people suck hard.

Why do people suck? That's a question for the ages that I will answer here in a few concise sentences. I guess it all started when God created man. It didn't turn out that well, but God was like, "Fuck it."” There were other solar systems in the universe.

Later that epoch, the 21st century happened. People still sucked, but God was too busy to slap them around like he did back in the Old Testament. The only consolation was that life on Earth was miserable, and that man was too stupid to invent functional space craft to escape himself and dirty up another planet.

In conclusion, Man has failed because of his innate suckitude. That's why today, we all sit in our cubicles vowing to go on a diet and secretly shopping online instead of doing important things like our worthless jobs.

Your Office Hates Pets

2006-11-21T09:33:00.000-08:00

Why is it ok to bring your kids to work, but not your pets? This is racism against people who hate kids and we can't stand for it. HR seems to believe that pets are bad for the workplace because people might be allergic to them or afraid of them, or possibly that someone might bring in a rabid possum that they think is cute, but in actuality is just a dirty rat-thing they befriended in their garage while they were hiding the bodies.

First, let me say that a mild allergic reaction or a little pants-peeing caused by a dog is nothing compared to the 72-hour stomach flu your devil-baby is spreading around. You know, the one where you have to sit on the toilet with a trash can in front of you because crap is just shooting out of everywhere? No, you don't know because your as immune to his dysentery as you are to the concept of not being a douche.

It's also pretty inefficient when you force your co-workers to fill in for your nanny as you jaunt around the office making copies or what not. Why are you so much more important than the rest of us? What's wrong with daycare? Isn't it enough that you've ruined our movies, our malls, our restaurants, and our public parks? Do you have to take work too?

Adventures With I.T., Pt. 1

2006-11-17T07:39:00.000-08:00

IT GUY: What’s going on?

ME: Well, I can’t seem to get my password to work today.

IT GUY: Did you type it in wrong?

ME: No. I tried it like twenty times.

IT GUY: Okay…(SIGH!!!)…let’s see what the error message says. What’s your password?

ME: It’s Francisco. F-R-A-N-C-I-S-C-O.

IT GUY: That’s not how you spell Francisco.

ME: Um…it’s my middle name, motherfucker. I think I know how to spell it.

(LONG PAUSE)

IT GUY: I’m going to have to keep your laptop for a couple of weeks. It’ll need to run a complete diagnostic on it. In the meantime, you can use the community desktop PC.

ME: You mean the one that runs Windows ’98?

IT GUY: Yep.

ME: Well fuck me.

Sometimes Your Friends Suck

2006-11-16T08:03:00.000-08:00

Sometimes your friends are douche bags and there's nothing you can do about it because it's too late to make new friends. Ultimately, there comes a time in every friendship when your friend is an utter disappointment. Normally this would be a good time to walk away from the relationship, but the likelihood is that you will be incapable of finding another person who is remotely tolerable, so you might as well selectively forget whatever twatastic infraction it was that said friend committed and go out for a drink. You can secretly make a Voodoo doll with shed hair you found in their car and stab the shit out of its eyes later that evening. Of course, everyone knows that Voodoo doesn't work, but it's a nice way to fill the time between crying jags and bouts of heavy drinking.

In truth, your shitty friend is just serving his role in the craptacular disaster parade we call life. This is all your bad because you expect too much. Boiled down, life is simply a series of disappointments strung together with fleeting moments of a delusion we like to call "happiness." You might also know it as "cocaine," but let's not get hung up on semantics.

KFC Jump Starts Alien Obesity Epidemic

2006-11-15T07:47:00.000-08:00

KFC has decided that the best solution to the American obesity problem is a universal obesity problem. The KFC logo is now visible from the air. Greasy chicken and reconstituted potatoes for all!

So You've Been Re-elected

2006-11-14T14:22:00.000-08:00

Now that you've been re-elected, you may be short on stuff to do. Yes, now that all that arm-pumping, baby-kissing, and platitude-spewing is out of the way, it's hard to fill up a whole day. Here are some suggestions:

1) Go home and stroke your massive fortune. Thank God the destitute masses have someone who understands their needs.
2) Touch-up your coif with the janitor's floor waxer.
3) Re-sign pact with the devil. You've been putting it off, but it's time. It's not like a better anti-Christ is going to come along any time soon.
4) Get the inside of your ass cleaned. I guess they call that a High Colonic? Anyways, you spend a lot of time in there; time to freshen things up.

Some People are too Dumb to Breathe

2006-11-10T11:38:00.000-08:00

More Useful Office Signs

2006-11-08T09:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Sick People Who Insist on Coming to Work,

Go the fuck home. Sneeze on your own shit for a change.

Thanks,
The People Who Have Miraculously Somehow Avoided Your Tainted Snot.

God Still Hates You (Unless You're Fabulous, and by Fabulous, I Mean Rich)

2006-11-08T07:05:00.000-08:00

If this is your car, you might just be the worst person on earth. Nothing says "I'm religious" like rubbing your wealth and moral superiority in the faces of others. If you like this bumper sticker, you might also want to consider some of my personal favorites:

"Jesus says, 'Poor people suck!'"
"If you're not rich, it's 'cause God hates you."
"God: Smiting the crap out of poor people since 2000 B.C."
"Poor people smell like doody."
"I'm better than you. Think about it."
"Hell is for the working-class."

Now, it would be my guess that this bumper sticker was intended for a beater, thus the joke being that the car is crappy and the sticker is facetious. However, luckily for those of us who enjoy righteous indignation, some douche bag thinks it's a good idea to cruise around in a $50,000 car while rubbing his asshole all over our faces. I'm not positive, but I think that constitutes reckless driving in the state of Texas.

I actually saw this bumper sticker on a Lexus on my drive home from work where I work for a living in order to have stuff like food and a house. I can only assume that God has forsaken me, as a pile of money and the desire to act like a total cunt have not just dropped from heaven into my lap. I guess I'll be seeing the rest of you average American mother-fuckers in Hell.

Happiness is for Idiots

2006-11-06T18:13:00.000-08:00

It's impossible for useful people to be happy and vice versa. Happiness is the domain of ridiculously stupid dogs and Alzheimer's patients, everyone else is just faking it. This is because real happiness inhibits your ability to do everything except sit around like a drooling tard. That's why it is dished out in minute doses like orgasms, and candy bars, and the wind blowing people's comb-overs up.

If your only goal in life is to be happy, your life is pointless. You can never achieve this. Happiness is a bitch-goddess who wakes you up early with a blow job, then makes you coffee, and then dumps a steaming cup of it on your crotch and punches you in the throat. She is one gnarly lady. I don't know how she even comes up with that shit.

In case you're not familiar with metaphor, what I'm trying to say here is that Happiness is a zero-sum game. If something good happens to you, several bad things have to happen to someone else, probably also you.

Just for the record, happiness converts to unhappiness at a rate of roughly 1:2. For every whiff of new car smell, the universe owes you two incidents of running your shin into the table leg and a heaping helping of getting old and death.

Millions Of People Can Be Wrong

2006-11-03T10:14:00.000-08:00

Every day around three o’clock, the office sheep begin their usual migration to Starbucks. They swing by my desk and ask me if I want anything, despite the fact that I’ve said “no” well over a thousand times previously.

I hate Starbucks. I’m not just trying to be anti-corporate – I really truly hate their product. Its popularity puzzles me as much as Long John Silvers' did in the 80s.

Starbucks coffee is basically burnt motor oil served at 750 degrees. Or better yet, Starbucks reminds me of what comes out of my asshole after a weekend of championship boozing. Black. Malignant. Foreboding. And yet twats like you drop six bucks for a 32-oz cup of it.

Here’s a tip: if you like to drink coffee, you should try sampling different brands and types until you find one you like. Don’t just listen to what the billion-dollar corporation is trying to tell you with its cute product names, fancy green logo, and omnipresent locations. Believe me, freedom of choice is pretty cool once you get used to having the giant fiber-optic cable pulled out of your brain.

Think for yourself. It’s why God put that squishy pink thing inside your skull.

More Useful Office Signs

2006-11-03T08:07:00.000-08:00

Things You Could Rap About Were You Not so White and/or Uncool

2006-11-02T07:24:00.000-08:00

1) Rhetorical inquiries in to who might be the boss. Implied answer: You yourself are indeed the boss.

2) Putting rocks and/or ice on women, I can only assume because you like your ladies natural.

3) Whips and blades. You are a kinky bastard, you dirty, dirty whore-man.

4) Rolling. I am not sure when or where it is appropriate to roll, but if you can figure it out, you should definitely rap about it.

Pets Rule

2006-11-01T11:05:00.000-08:00

Daylight Savings Time Fucking Sucks

2006-10-29T20:28:00.000-08:00

Whoever thought up daylight savings time is a cunt. It's possibly the worst idea ever, second in numb-skulledness only to working or maybe being born. Now, not only do we have to spend our lives toiling away like pointless drones, we have to spend all of our precious daylight hours stuck in an office. And the cherry on the shit sundae is that we have to drive home in the dark with a bunch of other Seasonal Affective Disordered mother-fuckers who just can't wait to purge their depressive rage by running us into a ditch and then beating us to death with their attache case.

In addition to the extreme inconvenience that DST causes me personally, it's also a waste of electricity. Just because some farmers need to see the crops or something ridiculous like that, "the man" has decided that we should stick some extra daylight into the part of the day we sleep through and stay awake in the dark, burning fossil fuels and probably spraying aerosol cans into the sky in a desperate attempt to entertain ourselves. That's right. Fuck you Ozone.

Why can't farmers just get up one hour later? I mean, there are like three of them. But no. Instead, we all get to look forward to a long, bleak winter of getting fat in the dark.

I Hate Your Children: Part Deuce

2006-10-26T07:20:00.000-07:00

I have learned a couple of things doing what we like to call "living life," and one of the things I've learned is that it is totally OK to throw your child's dirty diaper on the side of a residential street, or even into someone's front yard, blatantly disregarding both the law and a long extinct concept called "human decency," or something like that. I can't remember.

At any rate, it is perfectly ok to do this because you are a parent, and as such you are totally exempt from stupid stuff like laws, manners, and the awareness that there are actually other persons living on the planet.

As a parent, there is no need to worry about the fact that your child is running rampant in the restaurant. I'm sure none of the other patrons minds that he has pulled his pants down and is straining to squeeze out a junior deuce in the middle of the entry way. In fact, I'm sure everyone else thinks it's as cute as you do (between trying to swallow back their bile and praying for death), and , yes, a push-pop is a good reward for flashing your ass and attempting to shit in public.

As a parent, there is also no need to be concerned that your child has sustained a single scream for approximately 15 minutes. Other than his slightly disconcerting lung capacity, there is nothing to worry about at all. Just continue eating your meal and chatting away. I'm sure everyone around you will soon be as deaf as you are and probably happy to be so. Better yet, maybe they'll all just leave so there is more room for your offspring, no doubt spawned in some sort of sick tryst between you, a raptor, a professional screaming artist, and the devil, to rampage through the restaurant. Anyways, people without children are a crime against nature and society and deserve to have their ears screamed to shards by your 4-year-old.

Doctors: Overrated

2006-10-23T19:34:00.000-07:00

Doctors are getting lazy or possibly stupid. The proof lies in the fact that it costs $150 to be told to take an aspirin but also in the fact that even celebrities, who are supposed to be good looking for a living, can't get decent plastic surgery anymore.

The last time I went to the doctor, he looked at me blankly, told me an impressively boring anecdote about online dating and then gave me a prescription for antibiotics. No test or actual thinking was performed. If I wanted someone who was just making it up, I would go to that homeless guy who shits on the building downtown in broad daylight and ask him for medical advice. He'd probably let me pay him in toilet paper, and with the PPO, maybe I would pay 20 sheets and the insurance would cover the rest.

At any rate, the point I'm making here is that doctors don't know any more about their jobs than you know about yours or than, say, pilots know about theirs. We're all just making shit up between coffee breaks and secretly conducting personal business online.

Now You Can Finally Say You're Hung Like A Horse

2006-10-20T13:36:00.000-07:00

Recurring Themes: Inaccurate Toilet Usage

2006-10-20T09:31:00.000-07:00

Once again, someone has completely failed to comprehend proper usage of the toilet. To use it correctly, at least for women, you sit on the seat, go, wipe, throw used paper in the bowl, and flush. Unless you are in porta-potty or there is a scorpion on the seat, there is never any reason to pee all over the seat and then top it off with a smattering of pubes. Anyways, I don't think that pee and pubes kills scorpions. I'm not sure because I'm not an inconsiderate retard.

I can only assume that you, bathroom terrorist, thought that the office restroom, used by only about 20 other women, all of whom appear clean with no obvious odors (except for that one incident in the conference room that I can't describe because it might our male readers reconsider their heterosexuality), was too unclean to make contact with your precious ass and thus you thought it a good idea to pee all over everything and then comb out your snatch over the toilet. News flash: your ass is not any more important than anyone else's.

For God's sake, this is a place of business! Comb your hoo-ha on your own time.

Note from the Daily Def. Celebrity Desk

2006-10-20T08:36:00.001-07:00

Lindsay Lohan is still richer and more famous than you, despite the fact that she increasingly looks like a desperate waitress-zombie who just clawed her way out of the '60s. On her worst day, Lindsay has more fun than you will ever have in your worthless little life.

Look, some people are created to slave away at making the world run and others are created to greedily feast on it's sweet, sweet riches. It just so happens that God hates you.

Americans Are Still Fat

2006-10-19T11:18:00.000-07:00

After spending 3 weeks overseas, I returned to see that you are all still fat. Way to go. You should be proud that you are so noticeably rotund. If you don't have any respect for yourselves, at least have the courtesy to not make others want to scratch out their own eyes, you sweaty, gelatinous mounds of wuss goo.

It's bad enough that you are lazy shits with no self control, but it's downright criminal that you let you kids get fat. I know that Americans love to go to parenting classes, so I find it hard to believe that no one has ever told you that your 3-year-old doesn't need a six-pack of Pepsi and a Snickers bar as an afternoon snack. Every time I see your fat kid, I want to cry and then kick you in your reproductive gear to make sure you never burden another life-form with your ridiculous lack of common sense.

Please die.

Post Office Funny, this time with out Killing

2006-10-17T15:20:00.000-07:00

In a totally shocking turn of events, the USPS was funny. Apparently, with absolutely no irony, the US has printed stamps titled "America: Land of Superlatives," because as some guy said in some related ceremony, "From coast to coast, our nation is blessed with scenic beauty and wondrous sights...the Postal Service is celebrating 40 of America's extraordinary natural and man-made marvels. These stamps provide us with an opportunity to pay homage to those places and things that make this country so spectacular."

Yes the things that make the US spectacular are the largest land mammal,the deepest lake, and the most overrated list of crap. We are truly gods among men. So let us all raise our gigantic glasses in a toast to this, the most kick-asstacular nation in the world, nay, the universe.

Typical Phone Conversation: Installment 1

2006-10-12T03:26:00.000-07:00

Vacuum Cleaner Store Clerk: Vacuum world! We suck for you! How can I help you!?

(I know, you're thinking why is the Vacuum store clerk so bizarrely chipper with all those exclamation points and the ridiculous slogan. It's because this little story is set in LA where every clerk is freakishly nice just in case you can get them the acting job they left Iowa for 10 years ago only to end up slinging useless crap to rich cunts with dogs hanging out of their Louis Vuitton bags. Their optimism knows no bounds.)

Tara Reid: Um I'm all puffy. I need lipo.

Vacuum Cleaner Store Clerk: Certainly Miss Reid. I'll just go pick up the Voodoo priestess and we'll be right over.

3 hours later...

Meaning of Life Found to be Meaningless: Irony Ensues

2006-10-11T11:06:00.000-07:00

The meaning of life is repetitively showering. If you don't like it, you suck. Go find a new planet and quit your whining.

Endlessly trying to beat back BO is the thread that unites mankind. Ever since cave persons began rubbing themselves with feces to cover up their dirty, dirty whore stink, man has striven for ever better methods of smelling less bad. Think about it. What is the sign of prosperity? A clean, oderless society with endless shelves of deodorant, antiperspirant and perfume. We should stop trying to feed the poor, and start shipping them feminine hygiene spray.

Forget your dreams. Dreams mean nothing. Your career? Pointless. The one shining moment you have on this earth is the one minute after you get out of the shower and begin dousing your gleaming stenchless body with deoderizers. Cherish it bitch.

Cherish it.

The Drunk & The Ugly

2006-10-09T13:31:00.000-07:00

Someone sent me this joke via email.

**************************************************************

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

**************************************************************

The moral of the story? That ugly people shouldn't shop at 2 a.m., when drunks are at their most truthful.

I Hate Your Children

2006-09-26T14:34:00.000-07:00

When alien archaeologists dig up the ruins of American cities in the Year 3510, they’ll probably hypothesize two things: (1) that man was entering the final evolutionary phase of our transformation into giant, fleshy amoeba, and (2) that the human race mysteriously worshipped a smaller, weaker species of hominid. One that required their servants to carry them to and fro in knapsacks and strolling devices.

I’m never been a big fan of the American philosophy of parenting – the one that says kids are God's gift to the universe. I can see being proud of your kids when they win a Nobel Prize for Literature, or discover a cure for AIDS, or rescue a young woman from a crowd of heavily dusted Hell’s Angels. But grinning ear-to-ear like a smug cunt because your four-year-old can scream at the top of his lungs? Hate to break it to you chief, but they stab people in other countries for shit like that.

You’ve gotten so out of hand about coddling your kids, you’ve actually brainwashed yourself into thinking “rotten” is another word for “adorable.” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen your kid doing shit that would land a grown man in prison, and yet you’re standing around, smiling like a Jehovah’s Witness in a bicycle store. Your kids are like puppies. Show them who’s boss and they aren’t going to fuck around. Let them do what they want and pretty soon they’re sneaking into your closet to take a dump in your wingtips.

If I started spazzing out in public, my parents would drop my pants right then and there and beat the ever-loving crap out of me. It was an effort to keep me from acting like a three-foot-tall asshole every time I had an audience. No counseling, no medication – just a good old-fashioned ass-whipping, with a healthy dose of public humiliation thrown in for good motherfucking measure.

And you know what? It worked. I became terrified of acting up in public. I scaled down my tantrum strategy. I became respectful and soft-spoken around adults. And it was all because my parents never backed down. They looked me in the eye and said, “We’re bigger than you are you stinky little fucker, and until that changes we’re running the show. Is this clear?”

Beatings are the difference between well-behaved kids, and kids I want to run over with a lawn mower. I wish more parents like you would use brute force on your kids. Or at the very least, I wish you would let me do it for you.

Reader Fun

2006-09-20T15:44:00.000-07:00

Feel free to send us photos of you feeces encrusted, half nibbled office baked goods. We'll publish anything that doesn't have a puss covered cock on it.

PS - if you send us a photo of a puss covered anything or your genitals, I will find you and [censored] your fucking [censored]. Got it?

Another Office Memo, From The Editorial Desk Of The Daily Def

2006-09-20T14:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Rat Person

When somebody at the office sets out a box of free pastries, bagels or otherwise bready-type food for all to enjoy, this is not an invitation to pick at every single one until you find the flavor that most suits your fancy.

People do not like opening a box of donuts only to find half of them nibbled at. It’s not just the nibbling that’s disgusting – it’s the thought of your fat and possibly shit-encrusted fingers making contact with our breakfast. Would you like if I fondled your sandwich before you ate it? Didn’t think so.

You should really take a long hard look at yourself, and consider what other members of the animal kingdom are prone to “nibbling.” The answer is a) rats, b) cockroaches, c) vultures, d) bottom-feeding shrimp, and e) Nicole Richie.

If you’re feeling a mite peckish, grab a muffin and take it back to your desk. Consume what your body needs for sustenance, and then throw the rest away or send it to starving kids in China. DON’T BY ANY MEANS stick it back in the box.

I know who you are, Rat Person. If you continue to do this, I’m going to start tea-bagging your keyboard.

Things that Annoy me now

2006-09-20T10:50:00.000-07:00

1) People who put up photos of just themselves. Not them and their spouse. Not them and their child. Not even them in front of some meaningful landmark or at graduation or something. Just them. Even worse, a painting of themselves. Over the mantel. Or over their bed. You're obviously a total cunt wrapped in a steaming pile of shit wrapped in a dirty asshole. Why would you want to look at that all day?

2) Public toilets that flush with nuclear force shooting poo-water onto hapless bystanders. Is there anyone who can generate a poo of such mass that it requires the force of Niagara Falls to cram it into our sewer system? If such a dense poo were created, would its mass be so great that a black hole would be formed sucking the pooer into an alternate universe where they would embarrassingly materialize in the sky with their pants around their ankles before succumbing to gravity and falling to their death? Something to think about ...

3) People using the phone when email is readily available. Why should we have to hold some antiquated gizmo to our ear to ignore your annoying voice when we could be surfing the internet and ignoring your emails instead.

Small Breasted Women Unite

2006-09-18T08:22:00.000-07:00

Small breasted women should unite to rise up against "the Man," also known as the lingerie industry. "The Man" thinks that women with less than a B-cup can't be sexy and therefore makes nothing but crappy training bras in sizes A and AA. If a small chested woman wants to wear a plunging neckline, she should probably just put some duct tape over her mosquito bites, because the company that makes the "U" bra doesn't think you're capable of having sex appeal. Either that, or they want to see your nipples every time you lean over. You should probably just put on some overalls and a plaid shirt and start reproducing through asexual budding because that's what the world thinks of women who have the audacity to accept what nature gave them instead of augmenting themselves with silicon.

It's bad enough that big-tatted girls already get all the free drinks. At least leave the flat chested with their dignity and something a little lacy.

Handy Office Sign

2006-09-15T14:55:00.000-07:00

If you make popcorn, please don't burn it. Apparently, the popcorn button on the microwave doesn't work.

Don't panic.

Popcorn can be made successfully using this simple method:

1) Put popcorn in microwave
2) Wait by microwave
3) When pops are 2 to 3 seconds apart, press stop
4) Remove

Congratulations. You have just been promoted from 'tard to village idiot. Cunt.

Why Can't You Turn Right?

2006-09-13T07:14:00.000-07:00

After driving in a straight line, turning right is easily the most simply executed driving maneuver. So why the fuck can't you turn right? You are driving a car. It is designed for driving, including turning right without having to come to a complete stop and pull out to the left, occupying two lanes before casually rounding the corner at 1 mph. The curb is just there, inanimate, it's not going to leap forward to get your beloved car, you self-important, shit-eating fuck-wit. This may come as a shock, but other people also drive around on roads, which incidentally are paid for with public funds, and therefore not owned exclusively by you.

But really, your poor right-turn etiquette is just a symptom of a deeper problem: your total lack of respect for all other life on earth. I know that it's not fashionable to care about other people (although, strangely, it is cool to care about animals), but this is Texas, where I believe we invented road rage, so you might want to take time out from stroking your dick to pay attention before some other self-absorbed lummox takes a tire-iron to your face.

Dallas: Now with Bicycle Rage

2006-09-11T19:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Stupid Cunt Guy Riding your Douche-bag Touring Bike Around the Lake with no Helmet,

What is your problem? I realize that you are slow on your bike, and probably a little in the head, but that is no reason to swerve in front of serious bikers who are going faster than you in a way that could have potentially injured people who might actually add some sort of value to society, at a minimum by increasing the normal-human-being to douche ratio. This is especially heinous since you did it on purpose, and then when you were rightfully flipped off, you rode super-fast on your training bike to get in front of those bikers and return the bird before making a u-turn to skulk back to you burrow or den or toilet or what ever crappy place you live in.

At least one of a few things is at work here. First, you probably have a shit job because you are a stupid cunt hated by all. Aforementioned shit job is making you lash out at people who are better than you, which includes pretty much everyone. Secondly, your wife might be a frigid and controlling bitch. I know she was the best you could do, but there is a time when a blow-up doll is a step-up, especially since plastic girls know when to keep their fucking mouths shut (in a manner of speaking). Thirdly, you may have had your penis severed in a freak accident. Fourthly, you may have been watching the local news a lot lately, and let's face it, stupid people are fucking annoying.

Your Logo Shirt Sucks

2006-09-11T19:45:00.000-07:00

What you think I think when I see you in your upscale designer logo tee: "Oh wow. Look at that guy/gal dressing down in their designer logo tee. They must have a whole closet full of expensive designer clothes at home and have just chosen to dress casually today in their $80 tee. I have been totally scoreboarded. Man am I a piece of shit."

What I actually think when I see you in your upscale designer tee: "What a cunt."

Sure, Gucci has a t-shirt, Volvo has the S40, and Mercedes has some car that looks like a Honda, but these things are for idiots. Owning one is like bragging about your STD. Sure, it means you had a lot of sex, but it also means your a dirty whore. These low-end upscale products are just another way for the global corporation to take a runny dump all over your face. Go ahead and open your mouth if you want.

Horse Promoted After Centuries of Service

2006-09-08T06:47:00.000-07:00

After centuries of service to its Imperialist masters, the horse has been promoted to not food.

The horse has been a hapless by-stander near us during our finest moments as total fuck-wits, such as delivering diseased blankets to cold natives, the Civil War, and lynchings.

This week, Members of The House voted 263-146 to outlaw horse-slaughter in recognition of the horse's role in helping the white devil to sweep across this land like a plague (I'm paraphrasing, but that was the gist of things).

While you twats may no longer chop up your horse and ship its carcass to Paris for Frenchies to eat, you may still ass-rape it, force it to run until its legs break, and beat it about the head with sticks. Go America!

Chicks: Good at Science and Stuff, but Still can't Figure out Driving

2006-09-06T10:23:00.000-07:00

In today's world chicks can do stuff too, like play sports, go to outer space, and scratch their privates in public. But they still can't drive. Driving is an activity best indulged in at a time when not applying mascara or if you have managed to grow a penis. When you are a chick, you need to apply mascara a lot. Chick-priorities are like this:

1) Shake yo' thang,
2) Apply mascara,
3) Attain sustenance.

I don't want to nit-pick here, but most chicks are either super ugly or slightly ugly, but with a good body. A little black stuff on your eye-hair won't do shit to cover up the fact that you look like Droopy. What you should be doing in your car is arranging your tits. That's the secret ladies. Pass it on.

Why This Weekend Sucked

2006-09-05T07:01:00.000-07:00

iPods have become too cumbersome as humans continue in their quest to evolve into really fat blobs of fat.

Upcoming film Infamous confirms that Hollywood is officially out of original thinking. The film will rehash a topic covered by last year's Capote: Truman Capote. Oh, and the new James Bond makes out with a dude in it. That's so been done.

Tom Cruise proves himself a back-peddling cunt after apologizing to Brooke Shields. The one thing I could count on in this world, Tom Cruise defying logic in his quest to rid himself of some alien body-squatter, has proven as unreliable as the rest of the crap on this planet.

S teve Irwin's death reminds the us all that Alanis Morrisette and the majority of high school graduates don't know what ironic means. This will no-doubt result in a resurgence of people actually listening to Ironic.

When did we get so Moist?

2006-08-30T19:40:00.000-07:00

When did Americans get so fucking moist? If you need a tube of chapstick and a bottle of water to get through a 30 minute meeting, you are too moist and a horrific ass. Now that terrorists have tried to kill people with liquid explosives, this issue is coming to the forefront. Suddenly we are faced with the prospect of being trapped on a flying death machine not only with potential suicide bombers, but also without our precious lotions and water-bottles. Stop worrying about making it for five hours without a tube of lotion. No amount of lotion is going to fix the fact that you're ugly, not even on a plane.

This problem goes beyond copious liquid consumption and cream smearing. Being moist is turning us into a bunch of drippy pussies. Things like earthworms, tadpoles, and men's farts are moist. Tough people aren't moist. Look at Clint Eastwood. He's shriveled as a prune and drier than an old biddy's vag but he can still kick the cellulite cream off you ginormous ass even though he's about 100.

America, The Suckiful

2006-08-30T09:30:00.000-07:00

If you were a dude, America, you’d be kind of a dick.

Oh sure, you run around declaring yourself as the richest, freest, most democratic nation in the world. But if you're so awesome...

How come I have to own stock in morally questionable corporations in order to retire with enough money to eat, pay rent, and buy hemorrhoid medication?

How come I pay so many goddamn taxes, but nothing I need ever gets accomplished?

How come only rich people get opportunities to make themselves richer? They’re already rich, they don’t need any more goddamn money.

How come there’s so many douchebags who wear their scrubs out to the bars?

How come our children are so goddamn ignorant?

How come the second Amendment always seems to wind up in the hands of homicidal crackheads?

How come all our football commentators sound mentally retarded?

How come we bitch about polygamists but then everybody gets married like three or four times?

How come the government can spy on me, but I go to jail for looking in my neighbor’s window?

How come we escaped a Christian monarchy in England only to aggressively try to establish one here?

And finally…how come there’s so many goddamn fat chicks?

You are Your Tiny Dog's Bitch

2006-08-25T07:19:00.000-07:00

If you and your horrible little yip-yip dog went to prison, say for violating the leash law because you two think you're better than the rest of us, your dog would be taking your food, making you sleep on the bottom bunk, and telling you to bend over in the shower. That's right. You are your tiny dog's bitch, you idiotic cunt. You are probably asking yourself, "How this could have happened?" Answer: You are a drooling 'tard.

Here are a few lessons about dog ownership:

1) Just because your dog is small and looks like a cute teddy bear doesn't mean he is your baby. He does not need a stroller, a pink sweater, a personalized gold collar, or a miniature canopy bed. He is an animal who rolls in shit and then eats it. If you choose to ignore this fact, he will ass-rape you in your sleep.

2) Dogs eat dog food, hence the name dog food. If your dog is unwilling to eat dog food, it's time to put him down. You will burn in the 8th ring of hell if you serve your dog specially prepared steak with foie gras every night. If you serve it on a real plate, you will burn in the 9th ring of hell with Brutus, Judus, and the rest of traitors. You don't deserve to be called human.

3) That thing he does to your leg is not a sign of affection or a massage; it’s a claim of ownership. When your dog does this, it’s time to kick him across the room. If you fail to do this, do not pass go and do not collect your dignity. Your dignity is unavailable as your dog is using it to rub the crust off his ass-hole after a case of the runs.

4) Even though you love your dog (and I would add that you love him in a way that makes me really concerned for your mental stability and sexual preference), other people definitely do not. To your friends, your dog’s shrill bark sounds like the trumpet call that precedes the apocalypse. Your neighbors are praying that your little twat of a dog will wander onto their property so that they can run him over with their lawn mower, later claiming that he was just too small to see. For your own safety, and the safety of your dog, it’s probably a good idea to limit your dog’s exposure to other people.

5) French kissing your dog is always wrong. No explanation needed here.

Verbosity is not an Asset if What You're Saying is Stupid / Stop Using so Many Words, Idiot!

2006-08-23T11:40:00.000-07:00

Using lots of words won't make your idiotic comment more relevant. It's like a slutty cheerleader getting that hymen replacement surgery. It might fool the Saudi prince she sold herself to, but it doesn't change the fact that she used to get fist-fucked by the entire varsity Basketball squad.

There comes a time in all of our lives when we have to accept who we really are. You are an idiot. You can put a shine on that turd if it makes you feel better, but try to do it without wasting my time.

People: Not so Evolved

2006-08-22T13:42:00.000-07:00

People are terrible at walking on two legs, which is ridiculous considering that skillfully two-legging it is what fundamentally separates us from apes as both speech and science are hopelessly overrated.

If you can't walk on the sidewalk and stay out of traffic, you should probably be eliminated from the gene pool. Walking is pretty much the first thing you learn in life after eating, crapping, and crying non-stop. There is no sense in thwarting man's evolution into an omniscient floating mega-being by putting up crosswalks and school speed-zones to encourage the most mentally destitute of our species to survive to reproductive age. Especially unnecessary are school speed zones around high schools. If you are old enough to drive and annoy adults but can't stop yourself from stepping in front of a truck on the way to school, you are a total spooge and should be pulverized back into the primordial ooze that it's a miracle you found your way out of in the first place. Apparently being the only amoeba with a "kick me, I'm a cunt." sign on it's ectoplasm is what it takes to get bumped to the top of the evolutionary ladder these days.

Word Association! When You Say “Cyclist,” I Say “Douchebag.”

2006-08-22T09:51:00.000-07:00

Yes, we know – your legs are like tree trunks.

And yes, we know – you have 2% body fat.

And yes, WE KNOW – you’re in the best shape of your life.

The truth is, we don’t give a fuck. When all of you Lance wannabees zip within mere inches of us on the park trail at 120 mph, we are not impressed. In fact, we want to jam something into the spokes of your front tire and let the asphalt do the rest. (At 120 mph, we’re hoping there won’t be much of you left.)

You see, to most guys a bicycle is a childhood recreational vehicle, a way for us to pass the time until we eventually discover our penises. To you, a bicycle is a badge of elitism. A way to announce to the world that despite the fact you didn’t lose your virginity until you were 23, you’ve officially grown into a spandex-wearing badass.

Lord knows every guy needs a gimmick to make himself interesting to the opposite sex, and in a perfect world, the zen-like quality of long distance cycling might be kind of a cool one. In your clumsy hands, however, cycling becomes a Saddam-approved torture device. All your anecdotes involve testicle-numbing 100-mile bike rides, you repeatedly mention your body fat index at your high school reunion, and you make sure to helpfully ask people if they “know how many calories are in that burger.”

It’s highly annoying. Stop acting like a douchebag, and respect the fact that not everybody on the park trail is there to compete for global domination. Some of us are there to enjoy the outdoors, and to forget that the world is full of douchebags like you.

Oh, and incidentally…my gimmick happens to be a 17-inch vibrating penis with a tongue on the end of it. It may not keep me in the best shape of my life, but I find that most people are willing to overlook that.

The World is Full of Injustice, You Useless Fuck-wit

2006-08-21T09:04:00.000-07:00

The world is full of injustice that you are doing nothing about, you freeloading piece of shit. Unless you are writing a complaint letter now, on the phone complaining, or punching out some a-hole you aren't doing your fair share for the world.

Your mother probably told you that complaining is bad, but she was wrong about that and premarital sex. Complaining is good because it corrects injustice and annoyingness; however, the majority of complaining is being done by a handful of people who have been labeled as trouble-makers, grinches, curmudgeons, bad-apples, assholes, jerks, bitches, and lawyers. The rest of you are just riding our coat-tails and enjoying your non-sweatshop working conditions, office espresso machines, non-carcinogenic insulation, health insurance, non-lethal medications, and scalding hot liquid warning labels while being thought of as "nice" and getting promoted to managing brown-nosing-weasel for being such a "team player."

The next time you open a puffed-up bag of chips to find the bag is only 1/8 full and that, despite being cushioned with air, 75% of the chips are crushed in to a greasy mash, don't look at me.

Gwyneth Paltrow has Done it All

2006-08-17T16:29:00.000-07:00

We can all stop trying now. Gwyneth Paltrow has officially won life after doing it all by the age of 33. Apparently, after doing it all, GP has such wisdom to offer as, "I do not know how single mothers have more than one child with no help. It requires so much of my life, and I don't have to change sheets and clean toilets, you know." I don't know, I guess between toilet scrubbing and bed changing, regular people occasionally get pregnant because they are too poor and ignorant to know that they shouldn't be reproducing and polluting up the world with a bunch of dirty cunts who just get in the way of celebrities.

So to Gwyneth, I offer this advice: it's probably time to die. You've already scoreboarded the rest of us by attaining fulfillment. Is it really fair to waste natural resources just hanging around for the next 50 years? I mean, if 33 is enough life for Jesus, it's probably enough for you, right?

The saddest part of this is that I always kind of liked Gwyneth. She seemed sort of down to earth. As it turns out doing it all makes you a stupid slag.

Open Letter to Guy Who Loves His Job too Much

2006-08-16T19:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Guy Who Loves His Job too Much,

Please die. I don't care that you enjoy what you do. Come to think of it, you loving work so much makes me really suspicious that you're a robot.

Are you?

It’s Time For God To Lay The Smite Down

2006-08-16T14:36:00.000-07:00

This can’t really be filed under “Daily Defamation,” per se. But today’s post is my feeble attempt to reach out to Christians, a group I’ve defamed mercilessly in the past. Actually, while I’m at it, I’d like to reach out to Jews too. And Muslims. Well, pretty much anybody who believes in a vengeful, angry God.

Why? Mainly because I'm hoping they're right, and that all the corporate scoundrels currently running amok in America are dealt a long, painfully ironic sentence in hell when they inevitably get there. Like, I don’t know...getting ass-raped by the fuselage of a DC-10.

In case Northwest decides to pull the article somehow, here it is in non-link form. Those sensitive airlines!

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Bankrupt Northwest Airlines advised workers to fish in the trash for things they like or take their dates for a walk in the woods in a move to help workers facing the ax to save money.

The No. 5 U.S. carrier, which has slashed most employees' pay and is looking to cut jobs as it prepares to exit bankruptcy, put the tips in a booklet handed out to about 50 workers and posted for a time on its employee Web site.

The section, entitled "101 ways to save money", does not feature in new versions of the booklet or the Web site.
Northwest spokesman Roman Blahoski said some employees who received the handbook had taken issue with a couple of the items. "We agree that some of these suggestions and tips ... were a bit insensitive," Blahoski told Reuters.

The four-page booklet, "Preparing for a Financial Setback" contained suggestions such as shopping in thrift stores, taking "a date for a walk along the beach or in the woods" and not being "shy about pulling something you like out of the trash." The booklet was part of a 150-page packet to ground workers, such as baggage handlers, whose jobs will likely be cut after their union agreed to allow the airline to outsource some of their work, Blahoski said.

Prepared with the help of an outside company, the booklet encourages employees to manage their money better and prepare for financial emergencies.

Your Cat is Cooler than You Are

2006-08-15T14:58:00.000-07:00

Your cat doesn't need you or anyone else. He doesn't demand attention, he commands it. Face it, even though your cat craps in a box and covers his crap with his hands, he has more charisma than you could ever dream of.

Your Dog Is Cooler Than You Are

2006-08-15T08:40:00.000-07:00

Your dog is always happy and playful. You’re a depressing bore.

Your dog runs and jumps and plays. You hardly walk more than ten feet a day.

Your dog loves people and is excited to meet new ones. You’re a pissy cunt who gets made fun of.

Your dog has personality. You have tics and affectations.

Your dog is true to his doggy nature. You pretend to be rich, powerful, and important.

Your dog eats bugs. You eat Whataburger.

People stop to pet your dog. Nobody’s laid a hand on you since 2001.

If your house was on fire, chances are the firemen would save your dog first, and leave your ass to fry like bacon. And the world would be a better place for it.

The World is Worst Place on Earth

2006-08-14T15:37:00.000-07:00

The world sucks. It is definitely the worst place on Earth, and probably the worst place in the solar system, if not the universe. Sure, we have conditions conducive to life, but we also have venomous snakes, crap-throwing monkeys, human-seducing, disease-carrying monkeys; people, Mondays, and work.

The single worst part about life on Earth is dying. Whoever thought that up is a shit head. The next worst thing about life is actually living it. Between school, work, and death, there are really only a couple of good years in there. Sure, college can be fun, and there's always retirement. Of course, by the time you're old enough to retire most of your important parts aren't working and you look like crap. Anyways, if you've ever seen any movies, you know you'll probably die in an ironic work-related accident the day before your retirement kicks in.

In conclusion, life is about being stuck in a body that hurts or stinks most of the time and then dies.

For The Hollywood Exec On The Go

2006-08-11T13:12:00.000-07:00

Since you guys seem to put this movie out every five years with different actors, I've written this helpful synopsis for you. Now you can just print this out and read it in the next board meeting where the words "dance movie" are mentioned.

"Boy from wrong side of tracks meets rich girl from right side of tracks. Through dance, they learn about friendship, love, and even life. He introduces her to his edgy, street-smart dance philosophy, which is a reflection of the rough-and-tumble environment he grew up in. In turn, she takes him on a guided tour through the halls of the socially and economically privileged, and introduces him to a softer, more compassionate side of life. Then, during the Really Big Dance Finale, they realize that their skills aren't all that's fully blossomed - their love has too."

Coming soon: The Dysfunctional Family Drama That Stars A Popular Actor Playing A Gay Character

Your Graduate Degree is Worthless

2006-08-11T07:06:00.000-07:00

Spending 2 - 5 years getting a graduate degree was a waste. You'll still go only as far as you can coast on looks, charm, and daddy's money. And if you could have gotten far with any of those, you wouldn't have wasted your youth studying.

Ever since 9-11, every schmo has an MBA. You're just another idiot who wasted the severance package from his telecom job on tuition when you should have spent it on hookers. And if you have a PhD, you're just an idiot whose lesser-degreed boss resents him and will never promote him.

If you're getting a graduate degree now, let me give you a glimpse at your future:

You'll graduate in a few years to find the economy in the shitter. You'll search for a job for months, meanwhile toiling as a waiter, house painter, or freelance writer. You'll finally take a corporate job doing something that couldn't be further from what you dreamed you'd be doing after convincing yourself you can use the crap job as a stepping stone. You can't. This crap job is now your career. You'll be earning tens of thousands less than you expected and you'll never be able to make up that salary gap because the only way to make a lot of money is to already make a lot of money.

In the end, you'll be a 30-something wash-out with no prospects and adult acne. You'll be working for the owner's son, who's making 6 figures even though he never took the last 2 credits to finish his Associates at the local community college. In almost every situation you'll find yourself muttering, "I can't believe I need a [fill in degree attained] to do this," and even though you know this makes you sound like a pompous piece of shit, you'll be unable to stop yourself.

10 reasons you should kill yourself

2006-08-08T18:08:00.000-07:00

1. Nobody likes you. At least nobody you want to like you likes you. They probably talk about you when you aren't there. "Hey, I'm glad they're gone, can you believe what they wore to work today? I know, I can't tell if its the cologne or just stink."

2. You are in debt. Seriously, you just keep racking it up like you're going to die tomorrow anyway. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life just working to pay that debt off so some corporation can rest peacefully while you rot?

3. You are not important. You'll work your entire life trying to make a name for yourself, to be important. Nobody will remember you.

4. The world sucks. Wars, famine, pestilence and terrorists. Why stick around?

5. You are ugly. Have you turned on the TV lately? Any show or commercial will clue you in to the fact that you are NOT attractive.

6. The Lord Of The Rings film trilogy is complete. There will be no more.

7. You could die in a car wreck, which is much more painful than sitting in the garage with the car running while you fall asleep. I'm just saying.

8. You hate your job. Unless you like waking up every morning to go to a place full of people you hate, in a company you hate. If you dig that, thats your Bobby Brown. But this means you are stupid and should go ahead and kill yourself. (See #9)

9. You are stupid. Help God thin the herd before he throws lightning at you. Are you an astronaut? A Scientist? No? You work in a cubicle writing reports? Yeah, that means you are retarded and are not making the earth better. You're just using up the air that the rest of us would like to have.

10. Robots. Think about it.

Guest Post by Chad, Defamer colleague

Babies Don't Smell Sexy

2006-08-07T17:06:00.000-07:00

Baby powder is not a good signature scent for a woman. Ever. You shouldn't smell powdery unless you're a baby, a prenatal nurse, or in the middle of changing a diaper. Even in those cases, it's just a necessity, not a fashion "do."

There are so many things wrong with baby powder smell on an adult that I hardly know where to begin. To start off, who decided it was sexy to smell like you have an ass rash? What makes you think that baby powder is a smell that might attract a viable mate? Any man who wants to tap "that" when "that" smells like an infant's most foul and dirty parts is probably a latent molester or one of those weird guys who wants you to nurse him and give him a spanking.

Baby powder is the kind of scent a woman should wear while trying to seduce a death row inmate or while browsing Rainbow for a skirt that shows off her labia. It's a good scent if you're planning your wedding at a NASCAR event or if you've ever watched an episode of that red neck TV show with Jeff Foxworthy. If you don't understand what I mean, I mean it's trashy.

If you like the smell of baby powder, ask yourself why you are so keen on smelling like something that cries all night and has yellow shit. Then ask yourself why you enjoying making people in your general vicinity struggle to keep their lunch down as they free associate your perfume with any number of terrible moments they've spent near a public restroom trash can, or if you live in my neighborhood, terrible moments you've spent in your local CVS parking lot.

Look, don't feel bad just because you like the powdery perfume. First, I'm sure there are a lot worse things about you to feel bad about. Anyways, my mom always said there is someone out there for everyone and I know there are just oodles of pre-teen girls soccer coaches in Plano eager to marry to throw the cops of the trail. I'm sure you'll be very happy (until the trial).

My God, Do You Eat Shit?

2006-08-07T16:55:00.000-07:00

How is it possible that your body can create such a horribly pervasive, all-encompassing stink? Can you not smell your own stink? Really, If that came out of me I would drive myself to the emergency room. Yes, stinky poo guy, when you use the bathroom, your poo wages total war on the entire office. Your defecant mows over the stall as if it is not even there, ruining lives and most likely chemically sterilizing innocent bathroom occupants who are not trying to make the Guiness Book of World Records with their ungodly stink.

But does your fecal creation stop there? Perhaps, if it were the worst poo any normal person had ever made, but not your poo. Even the bathroom door, the last hope of an odor-free office, is completely useless. Yes, the door can STOP FIRE, but not the smell of your crap. And once its free of the bathroom there is nothing to stop it, the hall is invaded first, but the kitchen soon falls victim.

Now, normally, I would have to question any architect who would put the office kitchen so close to stinky poo guy's porcelain throne of doom, but really how can you fault him. The forces involved in your pervasive fecal stink are simply too great for anyone to have imagined, let alone predicted. No sir, the fault lies squarely on your shoulders. Stinky poo guy, something is wrong with you - innocent people are being hurt - do something about it.

Here are some suggestions:

Change your diet:While I'm sure you enjoy your diet of fried chicken and animal fat; it smells like you eat crap.

Change your job: You are too fat to work here anyways and everybody hates you.

Use the bathroom at home: While I'm sure your fat cheating whore-of-a-wife would leave you, and your below average children might become retarded, that is much better than ruining my day.

Donate yourself to science: Its quite possible that you are a disease on mankind that needs to be cured.

Kill yourself: This is probably best, as you are a worthless, overpaid ass who has never actually contributed anything useful to the world.

Guest Post by Dan, Defamer Sibling

Signs That Your Rap Career Results In Shitty Rap

2006-08-07T15:04:00.000-07:00

-You misspell “Clique.” Not because it’s street, but because you actually thought it was spelled that way.

-Half your song is bleeped out on the radio because you can’t think of actual lyrics, so you just cuss a lot. Which is boring and not at all menacing anymore because you know who else I know that cusses that much? My friend's 3-year-old.

-You repeat the chorus 157,000 times in your song. In fact, there never really were any verses - just chorus. Lots and lots of chorus.

-You’re trying to put places like Birmingham on the map.

-You were discovered by the guy who was discovered by the guy who was discovered by the guy who was discovered by 50 Cent.

-Your clothing label is only available at Miller’s Outpost and Gadzooks.

-You still rhyme “Texas” with “Lexus.”

-Your music is to be best appreciated under the influence of cough syrup.

-You ceaselessly talk about how rich you are on your first single, when everybody knows that musicians don’t earn shit until well into their secoond or third album. Interscope rented that Bentley for your video, so please – stop embarrassing yourself by tossing dollar bills out the sunroof. We all know you’re leaving the shoot in the same shitty ’87 Mazda you used to stalk Jay-Z in.

-Instead of making me bob my head, your music makes me want to roll over. And die.

Fat, Pt. II

2006-08-04T10:08:00.000-07:00

It has come to our attention that our recent fat post has bristled a few hairs out there in internetland. I would like to take this moment to reiterate our position on fat asses: you're fat ass because you choose to be fucking fat, you fucking lard ass.

Yes, it does suck that in America it costs $10 to buy a salad but only $4 to buy a triple cheeseburger, large fries, and 32 oz Coke. But still - fat is a choice, like drinking or doing drugs. Nobody put that sixth cheeseburger in your hand, so stop blaming everything else in the world for your corpulence, and start taking some responsibility for it. Especially when you're not just fifteen or twenty pounds overweight, but two hundred. I have no patience for obese people, and frankly they fucking disgust me.

I'm not talking about the lazy American suburban twat with a fifteen pound beer gut. I'm talking about you two and three hundred pounders, straining our health care system like the seams on a pair of your ample-sized pants. Honestly, at what point did you look in the mirror and think, "Whoopsie, looks like I accidentally put on 150 pounds!"

Finally, I would also like to point out the name of our blog. It's not "Americans For Fat Sensitivity," or "Even Fat Puppies Need Love." No...it's called "Daily Defamation." If you don't like what we write, wipe the Oreo crumbs off your keyboard and type in the URL of some other website that caters to your unhealthy, life-threatening need for denial. And while you're at it, save some food for the rest of us, you fucking lard ass.

Tips for the Treatment of Assyness

2006-08-03T14:17:00.000-07:00

Are you such an asshole that even your walk is annoying? You can tell this is the case if as you pass by them, people's eyes roll back and they make gagging sounds, but not the kind of gagging sounds that you make when someone smells like ass, the kind you make when they are an ass. There's a difference.

You may also be an ass if people at your office start asking if you've died of syphilis yet. Though you should probably be commended for your display of virtuosity in the practice of assdom, in actuality your coworkers are plotting to get you fired or even killed.

If this sounds like you, it may be a good time to sit down and rethink being such a tool. Here are some tips.

Try saying "Thanks" in a non-sarcastic voice. It's a challenge, but well worth your while.
Let people get from the parking lot to their desk before you start talking to them about projects. I know it seems like a waste of time, but some people actually have a life outside of work and need a few minutes to get oriented in the morning.
Don't talk to your subordinates in a louder, slower voice. They're not retarded, they just hate you.
Don't try to smile. Your smile sucks and so does your face. They just highlight what a douche you are.
Stop doing the haughty office laugh in the building atrium. Humor is not a zero-sum game. Laughing loudly will not actually use up all the fun so that others can't have any.

The Celebrity “Get Out Of Work Free” Card

2006-08-02T14:10:00.000-07:00

Just imagine…if you were a movie star, you could stumble through a Bacchanalian bender that would make Keith Richards proud, then skip the next few days of work and blame it all on “exhaustion.”

Unfortunately, the only folks who get to skip work because of exhaustion are millionaire celebrities, and you’re just a worthless piece of shit like the rest of us. Sure, you probably have more reason to be “exhausted” than these clowns – i.e. your mind-numbing job, your crippling debt, the fact that it’s 110 degrees outside and it costs $1,500 a month to air-condition your home – but it doesn’t matter. You’re still just a worthless piece of shit, and you’re still going to have to show up to work on Wednesday morning, bleary eyed and smelling like Kentucky Bourbon and late-night Taco Cabana.

The trade off? At least nobody’s ever going to write embarrassing stories about you in US Weekly.

Your Perfume/Cologne is in my Way

2006-08-02T13:20:00.000-07:00

I'd like to walk past you, but the stench of your perfume/cologne is blocking my way. Is there something wrong with your nose? If so, it was probably caused by breathing in your unending stench.

The way I see it, there are only two reasons to wear a lot of perfume/cologne. The first is that you hate people and want to revel in the wake of dead and dying bodies receding behind you as you pass by in all your suffocating glory. The second is that you are covering up stank-crotch made all the more stanky by the hot weather and the fact that you are a whore. I'd wager on the later.

Put Your Ass on the Seat

2006-08-01T12:46:00.000-07:00

No one has ever gotten AIDS from a public restroom, at least not by sitting on the toilet seat, so for God's sake, sit down when you take a piss, Ladies! Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. You're a hoverer. Do you know how many trees have died to make the toilet paper I waste wiping your pee off the seat? Lots.

Look, no one puts their dirty bits on the seats anyways. People put their parts over the hole, that's the whole concept. Now get on board!

This Just In - Daily Defamation Site is Offensive

2006-08-01T12:23:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to us!

You're Gassy

2006-08-01T08:25:00.000-07:00

Fuel prices are too high? Well, you’re the idiot who makes an hour-long commute, alone, in a 4-mpg monster truck that could feasibly transport forty people at $5 a head. People who drive gas-guzzlers and then complain about gas prices are like chain smokers who complain about getting lung cancer.

Conclusion? You’re a tool. Shut up or buy a Honda.

No Need to Rush – You’re Not That Important

2006-07-31T08:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Rush-hour Commuters,

Why the hurry? Your morning commute is not a race. How do I know? Because there is no need to race to see who gets to their soul-crushing job first. Your only reward is arriving at work first, and this is not a prize because there's plenty of work for us all. Other workers are not going to use up all the monotony before you get there.

Maybe going fast, running lights, and endangering others makes you forget how pointless you are, but it's really inconsiderate. If you would take some time to mull over your actual value to the universe (universe-value can be calculated by multiplying the number of good things you've done by 0.000000000000000001), you would see that you being on time to work is worth exactly jack crap in the grand scheme of things.

Fat is Not a Disability

2006-07-30T20:05:00.000-07:00

Being fat is not a disability, despite the fact that I recently saw a non-blind, non-deaf fat woman at Whole Foods with a "helper" dog. There are two things fundamentally wrong with this situation. One - What does a dog help a fat person to do? Apparently Fatty-eye dogs are good at finding the vitamin section because fat people can't see things that aren't food.

Two - There is no point in wasting your money at Whole Foods if you're fat. You can get fat on cheap food. Whole Foods is for celebrities and thin people who have long ago abandoned all hope of eating Oreos and are therefore heinous and bitter.

In conclusion, being fat is a choice. You are fat because you're lazy and I am bitter because I'm thin. You just can't win.

What You Wish Your Father Had Told You

2006-07-28T09:40:00.000-07:00

“Kid, Santa Claus doesn’t exist. Neither does the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, unconditional love, true justice, or peace in the Middle East.

Oh yeah, and love does cost a thing. First, you have to drop a few grand on a wedding ring that doesn’t get your wife ridiculed behind her back. Then you have to throw a $15,000 wedding for ungrateful assholes, half of whom hope your wife turns out to be an adulterous whore so they can nail her when you're out of town. And after the wedding, you’ll jump into six-figure debt for a cheaply-built house and, if she’s a gold digger, another five figure debt for a convertible BMW.

And then, there’s you kid. You’ve already cost me in the neighborhood of $2,500,000 since you came out, not to mention about nine years’ worth of sleep and sex, and about three inches of hairline. And you’re fixing to cost me another goddamn $100,000 when you go to college, just so you can get some hick sorority girl pregnant and land a job that’ll barely support the rent on the seedy nursing home you stick me in.

And your dreams? Your hopes? They’ll be relegated to pretty much whatever vicarious adventures prime time TV has to offer you. Enjoy!”

You Probably Already Have Cancer

2006-07-28T08:05:00.000-07:00

It's not worth your time to exercise and eat right. You probably already have cancer. If you've participated in any of the following activities over the past few years: breathing - it's likely you are in the throws of the dying process. If you feel sadistic, go ahead and drink a couple of broccoli power shakes, but I wouldn't expect anything but flatulence as a result.

Don't go buy a bunch of new clothes

2006-07-27T13:35:00.000-07:00

They’re not going to help. You’re stuck with what God gave you, and let’s face it – God gave you crap.

You Haven't Made a Difference

2006-07-27T07:04:00.000-07:00

Your existence isn't making a difference. At least not a positive one. And no, picking up after your dog does nothing for your Karma. You may have prevented someone from setting off a Mentos/Diet Coke rocket in their living room, but, at best, this makes you a second-rate property manager. A first-rate property manager wouldn't associate with an idiotic douche. The universe expected more of you. Way to deliver.

News Flash - You're Not Good Enough

2006-07-26T13:37:00.000-07:00

Remember when you're first grade teacher said you could be whatever you wanted? She lied. Unless you dreamed of being a cubicle jockey and driving a Ford Pinto, things have not gone according to plan. In fact, if you have the time and inclination to read this, you are neither rich nor interesting, meaning you've achieved nothing.

Never fear, just because Mrs. Jones was a lying cunt doesn't mean you have to trudge through life perpetually disappointed. Just shift your paradigm. Pretend that your goal was to drown in debt and wake up alone in a puddle of your own vomit. Knock down the walls of standards and embrace your inner waste of space.

Now go out and take on the day.