What You Wish Your Father Had Told You

“Kid, Santa Claus doesn’t exist. Neither does the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, unconditional love, true justice, or peace in the Middle East.

Oh yeah, and love does cost a thing. First, you have to drop a few grand on a wedding ring that doesn’t get your wife ridiculed behind her back. Then you have to throw a $15,000 wedding for ungrateful assholes, half of whom hope your wife turns out to be an adulterous whore so they can nail her when you're out of town. And after the wedding, you’ll jump into six-figure debt for a cheaply-built house and, if she’s a gold digger, another five figure debt for a convertible BMW.

And then, there’s you kid. You’ve already cost me in the neighborhood of $2,500,000 since you came out, not to mention about nine years’ worth of sleep and sex, and about three inches of hairline. And you’re fixing to cost me another goddamn $100,000 when you go to college, just so you can get some hick sorority girl pregnant and land a job that’ll barely support the rent on the seedy nursing home you stick me in.

And your dreams? Your hopes? They’ll be relegated to pretty much whatever vicarious adventures prime time TV has to offer you. Enjoy!”