America, The Suckiful

If you were a dude, America, you’d be kind of a dick.

Oh sure, you run around declaring yourself as the richest, freest, most democratic nation in the world. But if you're so awesome...

How come I have to own stock in morally questionable corporations in order to retire with enough money to eat, pay rent, and buy hemorrhoid medication?

How come I pay so many goddamn taxes, but nothing I need ever gets accomplished?

How come only rich people get opportunities to make themselves richer? They’re already rich, they don’t need any more goddamn money.

How come there’s so many douchebags who wear their scrubs out to the bars?

How come our children are so goddamn ignorant?

How come the second Amendment always seems to wind up in the hands of homicidal crackheads?

How come all our football commentators sound mentally retarded?

How come we bitch about polygamists but then everybody gets married like three or four times?

How come the government can spy on me, but I go to jail for looking in my neighbor’s window?

How come we escaped a Christian monarchy in England only to aggressively try to establish one here?

And finally…how come there’s so many goddamn fat chicks?