Word Association! When You Say “Cyclist,” I Say “Douchebag.”

Yes, we know – your legs are like tree trunks.

And yes, we know – you have 2% body fat.

And yes, WE KNOW – you’re in the best shape of your life.

The truth is, we don’t give a fuck. When all of you Lance wannabees zip within mere inches of us on the park trail at 120 mph, we are not impressed. In fact, we want to jam something into the spokes of your front tire and let the asphalt do the rest. (At 120 mph, we’re hoping there won’t be much of you left.)

You see, to most guys a bicycle is a childhood recreational vehicle, a way for us to pass the time until we eventually discover our penises. To you, a bicycle is a badge of elitism. A way to announce to the world that despite the fact you didn’t lose your virginity until you were 23, you’ve officially grown into a spandex-wearing badass.

Lord knows every guy needs a gimmick to make himself interesting to the opposite sex, and in a perfect world, the zen-like quality of long distance cycling might be kind of a cool one. In your clumsy hands, however, cycling becomes a Saddam-approved torture device. All your anecdotes involve testicle-numbing 100-mile bike rides, you repeatedly mention your body fat index at your high school reunion, and you make sure to helpfully ask people if they “know how many calories are in that burger.”

It’s highly annoying. Stop acting like a douchebag, and respect the fact that not everybody on the park trail is there to compete for global domination. Some of us are there to enjoy the outdoors, and to forget that the world is full of douchebags like you.

Oh, and incidentally…my gimmick happens to be a 17-inch vibrating penis with a tongue on the end of it. It may not keep me in the best shape of my life, but I find that most people are willing to overlook that.