You are Your Tiny Dog's Bitch

If you and your horrible little yip-yip dog went to prison, say for violating the leash law because you two think you're better than the rest of us, your dog would be taking your food, making you sleep on the bottom bunk, and telling you to bend over in the shower. That's right. You are your tiny dog's bitch, you idiotic cunt. You are probably asking yourself, "How this could have happened?" Answer: You are a drooling 'tard.

Here are a few lessons about dog ownership:

1) Just because your dog is small and looks like a cute teddy bear doesn't mean he is your baby. He does not need a stroller, a pink sweater, a personalized gold collar, or a miniature canopy bed. He is an animal who rolls in shit and then eats it. If you choose to ignore this fact, he will ass-rape you in your sleep.

2) Dogs eat dog food, hence the name dog food. If your dog is unwilling to eat dog food, it's time to put him down. You will burn in the 8th ring of hell if you serve your dog specially prepared steak with foie gras every night. If you serve it on a real plate, you will burn in the 9th ring of hell with Brutus, Judus, and the rest of traitors. You don't deserve to be called human.

3) That thing he does to your leg is not a sign of affection or a massage; it’s a claim of ownership. When your dog does this, it’s time to kick him across the room. If you fail to do this, do not pass go and do not collect your dignity. Your dignity is unavailable as your dog is using it to rub the crust off his ass-hole after a case of the runs.

4) Even though you love your dog (and I would add that you love him in a way that makes me really concerned for your mental stability and sexual preference), other people definitely do not. To your friends, your dog’s shrill bark sounds like the trumpet call that precedes the apocalypse. Your neighbors are praying that your little twat of a dog will wander onto their property so that they can run him over with their lawn mower, later claiming that he was just too small to see. For your own safety, and the safety of your dog, it’s probably a good idea to limit your dog’s exposure to other people.

5) French kissing your dog is always wrong. No explanation needed here.