Tips for the Treatment of Assyness

Are you such an asshole that even your walk is annoying? You can tell this is the case if as you pass by them, people's eyes roll back and they make gagging sounds, but not the kind of gagging sounds that you make when someone smells like ass, the kind you make when they are an ass. There's a difference.

You may also be an ass if people at your office start asking if you've died of syphilis yet. Though you should probably be commended for your display of virtuosity in the practice of assdom, in actuality your coworkers are plotting to get you fired or even killed.

If this sounds like you, it may be a good time to sit down and rethink being such a tool. Here are some tips.

1. Try saying "Thanks" in a non-sarcastic voice. It's a challenge, but well worth your while.
2. Let people get from the parking lot to their desk before you start talking to them about projects. I know it seems like a waste of time, but some people actually have a life outside of work and need a few minutes to get oriented in the morning.
3. Don't talk to your subordinates in a louder, slower voice. They're not retarded, they just hate you.
4. Don't try to smile. Your smile sucks and so does your face. They just highlight what a douche you are.
5. Stop doing the haughty office laugh in the building atrium. Humor is not a zero-sum game. Laughing loudly will not actually use up all the fun so that others can't have any.