I Hate Your Children: Part Deuce

I have learned a couple of things doing what we like to call "living life," and one of the things I've learned is that it is totally OK to throw your child's dirty diaper on the side of a residential street, or even into someone's front yard, blatantly disregarding both the law and a long extinct concept called "human decency," or something like that. I can't remember.

At any rate, it is perfectly ok to do this because you are a parent, and as such you are totally exempt from stupid stuff like laws, manners, and the awareness that there are actually other persons living on the planet.

As a parent, there is no need to worry about the fact that your child is running rampant in the restaurant. I'm sure none of the other patrons minds that he has pulled his pants down and is straining to squeeze out a junior deuce in the middle of the entry way. In fact, I'm sure everyone else thinks it's as cute as you do (between trying to swallow back their bile and praying for death), and , yes, a push-pop is a good reward for flashing your ass and attempting to shit in public.

As a parent, there is also no need to be concerned that your child has sustained a single scream for approximately 15 minutes. Other than his slightly disconcerting lung capacity, there is nothing to worry about at all. Just continue eating your meal and chatting away. I'm sure everyone around you will soon be as deaf as you are and probably happy to be so. Better yet, maybe they'll all just leave so there is more room for your offspring, no doubt spawned in some sort of sick tryst between you, a raptor, a professional screaming artist, and the devil, to rampage through the restaurant. Anyways, people without children are a crime against nature and society and deserve to have their ears screamed to shards by your 4-year-old.