Millions Of People Can Be Wrong

Every day around three o’clock, the office sheep begin their usual migration to Starbucks. They swing by my desk and ask me if I want anything, despite the fact that I’ve said “no” well over a thousand times previously.

I hate Starbucks. I’m not just trying to be anti-corporate – I really truly hate their product. Its popularity puzzles me as much as Long John Silvers' did in the 80s.

Starbucks coffee is basically burnt motor oil served at 750 degrees. Or better yet, Starbucks reminds me of what comes out of my asshole after a weekend of championship boozing. Black. Malignant. Foreboding. And yet twats like you drop six bucks for a 32-oz cup of it.

Here’s a tip: if you like to drink coffee, you should try sampling different brands and types until you find one you like. Don’t just listen to what the billion-dollar corporation is trying to tell you with its cute product names, fancy green logo, and omnipresent locations. Believe me, freedom of choice is pretty cool once you get used to having the giant fiber-optic cable pulled out of your brain.

Think for yourself. It’s why God put that squishy pink thing inside your skull.