Another Office Memo, From The Editorial Desk Of The Daily Def

Dear Rat Person

When somebody at the office sets out a box of free pastries, bagels or otherwise bready-type food for all to enjoy, this is not an invitation to pick at every single one until you find the flavor that most suits your fancy.

People do not like opening a box of donuts only to find half of them nibbled at. It’s not just the nibbling that’s disgusting – it’s the thought of your fat and possibly shit-encrusted fingers making contact with our breakfast. Would you like if I fondled your sandwich before you ate it? Didn’t think so.

You should really take a long hard look at yourself, and consider what other members of the animal kingdom are prone to “nibbling.” The answer is a) rats, b) cockroaches, c) vultures, d) bottom-feeding shrimp, and e) Nicole Richie.

If you’re feeling a mite peckish, grab a muffin and take it back to your desk. Consume what your body needs for sustenance, and then throw the rest away or send it to starving kids in China. DON’T BY ANY MEANS stick it back in the box.

I know who you are, Rat Person. If you continue to do this, I’m going to start tea-bagging your keyboard.