Adventures With I.T., Pt. 1

IT GUY: What’s going on?

ME: Well, I can’t seem to get my password to work today.

IT GUY: Did you type it in wrong?

ME: No. I tried it like twenty times.

IT GUY: Okay…(SIGH!!!)…let’s see what the error message says. What’s your password?

ME: It’s Francisco. F-R-A-N-C-I-S-C-O.

IT GUY: That’s not how you spell Francisco.

ME: Um…it’s my middle name, motherfucker. I think I know how to spell it.

(LONG PAUSE)

IT GUY: I’m going to have to keep your laptop for a couple of weeks. It’ll need to run a complete diagnostic on it. In the meantime, you can use the community desktop PC.

ME: You mean the one that runs Windows ’98?

IT GUY: Yep.

ME: Well fuck me.

Sometimes Your Friends Suck

Sometimes your friends are douche bags and there's nothing you can do about it because it's too late to make new friends. Ultimately, there comes a time in every friendship when your friend is an utter disappointment. Normally this would be a good time to walk away from the relationship, but the likelihood is that you will be incapable of finding another person who is remotely tolerable, so you might as well selectively forget whatever twatastic infraction it was that said friend committed and go out for a drink. You can secretly make a Voodoo doll with shed hair you found in their car and stab the shit out of its eyes later that evening. Of course, everyone knows that Voodoo doesn't work, but it's a nice way to fill the time between crying jags and bouts of heavy drinking.

In truth, your shitty friend is just serving his role in the craptacular disaster parade we call life. This is all your bad because you expect too much. Boiled down, life is simply a series of disappointments strung together with fleeting moments of a delusion we like to call "happiness." You might also know it as "cocaine," but let's not get hung up on semantics.

KFC Jump Starts Alien Obesity Epidemic

KFC has decided that the best solution to the American obesity problem is a universal obesity problem. The KFC logo is now visible from the air. Greasy chicken and reconstituted potatoes for all!

So You've Been Re-elected

Now that you've been re-elected, you may be short on stuff to do. Yes, now that all that arm-pumping, baby-kissing, and platitude-spewing is out of the way, it's hard to fill up a whole day. Here are some suggestions:

1) Go home and stroke your massive fortune. Thank God the destitute masses have someone who understands their needs.
2) Touch-up your coif with the janitor's floor waxer.
3) Re-sign pact with the devil. You've been putting it off, but it's time. It's not like a better anti-Christ is going to come along any time soon.
4) Get the inside of your ass cleaned. I guess they call that a High Colonic? Anyways, you spend a lot of time in there; time to freshen things up.