Gwyneth Paltrow has Done it All

We can all stop trying now. Gwyneth Paltrow has officially won life after doing it all by the age of 33. Apparently, after doing it all, GP has such wisdom to offer as, "I do not know how single mothers have more than one child with no help. It requires so much of my life, and I don't have to change sheets and clean toilets, you know." I don't know, I guess between toilet scrubbing and bed changing, regular people occasionally get pregnant because they are too poor and ignorant to know that they shouldn't be reproducing and polluting up the world with a bunch of dirty cunts who just get in the way of celebrities.

So to Gwyneth, I offer this advice: it's probably time to die. You've already scoreboarded the rest of us by attaining fulfillment. Is it really fair to waste natural resources just hanging around for the next 50 years? I mean, if 33 is enough life for Jesus, it's probably enough for you, right?



The saddest part of this is that I always kind of liked Gwyneth. She seemed sort of down to earth. As it turns out doing it all makes you a stupid slag.

Open Letter to Guy Who Loves His Job too Much

Dear Guy Who Loves His Job too Much,

Please die. I don't care that you enjoy what you do. Come to think of it, you loving work so much makes me really suspicious that you're a robot.

Are you?

It’s Time For God To Lay The Smite Down

This can’t really be filed under “Daily Defamation,” per se. But today’s post is my feeble attempt to reach out to Christians, a group I’ve defamed mercilessly in the past. Actually, while I’m at it, I’d like to reach out to Jews too. And Muslims. Well, pretty much anybody who believes in a vengeful, angry God.

Why? Mainly because I'm hoping they're right, and that all the corporate scoundrels currently running amok in America are dealt a long, painfully ironic sentence in hell when they inevitably get there. Like, I don’t know...getting ass-raped by the fuselage of a DC-10.

In case Northwest decides to pull the article somehow, here it is in non-link form. Those sensitive airlines!

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Bankrupt Northwest Airlines advised workers to fish in the trash for things they like or take their dates for a walk in the woods in a move to help workers facing the ax to save money.

The No. 5 U.S. carrier, which has slashed most employees' pay and is looking to cut jobs as it prepares to exit bankruptcy, put the tips in a booklet handed out to about 50 workers and posted for a time on its employee Web site.

The section, entitled "101 ways to save money", does not feature in new versions of the booklet or the Web site.
Northwest spokesman Roman Blahoski said some employees who received the handbook had taken issue with a couple of the items. "We agree that some of these suggestions and tips ... were a bit insensitive," Blahoski told Reuters.

The four-page booklet, "Preparing for a Financial Setback" contained suggestions such as shopping in thrift stores, taking "a date for a walk along the beach or in the woods" and not being "shy about pulling something you like out of the trash." The booklet was part of a 150-page packet to ground workers, such as baggage handlers, whose jobs will likely be cut after their union agreed to allow the airline to outsource some of their work, Blahoski said.

Prepared with the help of an outside company, the booklet encourages employees to manage their money better and prepare for financial emergencies.

Your Cat is Cooler than You Are

Your cat doesn't need you or anyone else. He doesn't demand attention, he commands it. Face it, even though your cat craps in a box and covers his crap with his hands, he has more charisma than you could ever dream of.

Your Dog Is Cooler Than You Are

Your dog is always happy and playful. You’re a depressing bore.

Your dog runs and jumps and plays. You hardly walk more than ten feet a day.

Your dog loves people and is excited to meet new ones. You’re a pissy cunt who gets made fun of.

Your dog has personality. You have tics and affectations.

Your dog is true to his doggy nature. You pretend to be rich, powerful, and important.

Your dog eats bugs. You eat Whataburger.

People stop to pet your dog. Nobody’s laid a hand on you since 2001.

If your house was on fire, chances are the firemen would save your dog first, and leave your ass to fry like bacon. And the world would be a better place for it.

The World is Worst Place on Earth

The world sucks. It is definitely the worst place on Earth, and probably the worst place in the solar system, if not the universe. Sure, we have conditions conducive to life, but we also have venomous snakes, crap-throwing monkeys, human-seducing, disease-carrying monkeys; people, Mondays, and work.

The single worst part about life on Earth is dying. Whoever thought that up is a shit head. The next worst thing about life is actually living it. Between school, work, and death, there are really only a couple of good years in there. Sure, college can be fun, and there'’s always retirement. Of course, by the time you're old enough to retire most of your important parts aren't working and you look like crap. Anyways, if you've ever seen any movies, you know you'll probably die in an ironic work-related accident the day before your retirement kicks in.

In conclusion, life is about being stuck in a body that hurts or stinks most of the time and then dies.