Some People are too Dumb to Breathe

More Useful Office Signs

Dear Sick People Who Insist on Coming to Work,

Go the fuck home. Sneeze on your own shit for a change.

Thanks,
The People Who Have Miraculously Somehow Avoided Your Tainted Snot.

God Still Hates You (Unless You're Fabulous, and by Fabulous, I Mean Rich)

If this is your car, you might just be the worst person on earth. Nothing says "I'm religious" like rubbing your wealth and moral superiority in the faces of others. If you like this bumper sticker, you might also want to consider some of my personal favorites:

"Jesus says, 'Poor people suck!'"
"If you're not rich, it's 'cause God hates you."
"God: Smiting the crap out of poor people since 2000 B.C."
"Poor people smell like doody."
"I'm better than you. Think about it."
"Hell is for the working-class."

Now, it would be my guess that this bumper sticker was intended for a beater, thus the joke being that the car is crappy and the sticker is facetious. However, luckily for those of us who enjoy righteous indignation, some douche bag thinks it's a good idea to cruise around in a $50,000 car while rubbing his asshole all over our faces. I'm not positive, but I think that constitutes reckless driving in the state of Texas.

I actually saw this bumper sticker on a Lexus on my drive home from work where I work for a living in order to have stuff like food and a house. I can only assume that God has forsaken me, as a pile of money and the desire to act like a total cunt have not just dropped from heaven into my lap. I guess I'll be seeing the rest of you average American mother-fuckers in Hell.

Happiness is for Idiots

It's impossible for useful people to be happy and vice versa. Happiness is the domain of ridiculously stupid dogs and Alzheimer's patients, everyone else is just faking it. This is because real happiness inhibits your ability to do everything except sit around like a drooling tard. That's why it is dished out in minute doses like orgasms, and candy bars, and the wind blowing people's comb-overs up.

If your only goal in life is to be happy, your life is pointless. You can never achieve this. Happiness is a bitch-goddess who wakes you up early with a blow job, then makes you coffee, and then dumps a steaming cup of it on your crotch and punches you in the throat. She is one gnarly lady. I don't know how she even comes up with that shit.

In case you're not familiar with metaphor, what I'm trying to say here is that Happiness is a zero-sum game. If something good happens to you, several bad things have to happen to someone else, probably also you.

Just for the record, happiness converts to unhappiness at a rate of roughly 1:2. For every whiff of new car smell, the universe owes you two incidents of running your shin into the table leg and a heaping helping of getting old and death.