You are Your Tiny Dog's Bitch

If you and your horrible little yip-yip dog went to prison, say for violating the leash law because you two think you're better than the rest of us, your dog would be taking your food, making you sleep on the bottom bunk, and telling you to bend over in the shower. That's right. You are your tiny dog's bitch, you idiotic cunt. You are probably asking yourself, "How this could have happened?" Answer: You are a drooling 'tard.

Here are a few lessons about dog ownership:

1) Just because your dog is small and looks like a cute teddy bear doesn't mean he is your baby. He does not need a stroller, a pink sweater, a personalized gold collar, or a miniature canopy bed. He is an animal who rolls in shit and then eats it. If you choose to ignore this fact, he will ass-rape you in your sleep.

2) Dogs eat dog food, hence the name dog food. If your dog is unwilling to eat dog food, it's time to put him down. You will burn in the 8th ring of hell if you serve your dog specially prepared steak with foie gras every night. If you serve it on a real plate, you will burn in the 9th ring of hell with Brutus, Judus, and the rest of traitors. You don't deserve to be called human.

3) That thing he does to your leg is not a sign of affection or a massage; it’s a claim of ownership. When your dog does this, it’s time to kick him across the room. If you fail to do this, do not pass go and do not collect your dignity. Your dignity is unavailable as your dog is using it to rub the crust off his ass-hole after a case of the runs.

4) Even though you love your dog (and I would add that you love him in a way that makes me really concerned for your mental stability and sexual preference), other people definitely do not. To your friends, your dog’s shrill bark sounds like the trumpet call that precedes the apocalypse. Your neighbors are praying that your little twat of a dog will wander onto their property so that they can run him over with their lawn mower, later claiming that he was just too small to see. For your own safety, and the safety of your dog, it’s probably a good idea to limit your dog’s exposure to other people.

5) French kissing your dog is always wrong. No explanation needed here.

Verbosity is not an Asset if What You're Saying is Stupid / Stop Using so Many Words, Idiot!

Using lots of words won't make your idiotic comment more relevant. It's like a slutty cheerleader getting that hymen replacement surgery. It might fool the Saudi prince she sold herself to, but it doesn't change the fact that she used to get fist-fucked by the entire varsity Basketball squad.

There comes a time in all of our lives when we have to accept who we really are. You are an idiot. You can put a shine on that turd if it makes you feel better, but try to do it without wasting my time.

People: Not so Evolved

People are terrible at walking on two legs, which is ridiculous considering that skillfully two-legging it is what fundamentally separates us from apes as both speech and science are hopelessly overrated.

If you can't walk on the sidewalk and stay out of traffic, you should probably be eliminated from the gene pool. Walking is pretty much the first thing you learn in life after eating, crapping, and crying non-stop. There is no sense in thwarting man's evolution into an omniscient floating mega-being by putting up crosswalks and school speed-zones to encourage the most mentally destitute of our species to survive to reproductive age. Especially unnecessary are school speed zones around high schools. If you are old enough to drive and annoy adults but can't stop yourself from stepping in front of a truck on the way to school, you are a total spooge and should be pulverized back into the primordial ooze that it's a miracle you found your way out of in the first place. Apparently being the only amoeba with a "kick me, I'm a cunt." sign on it's ectoplasm is what it takes to get bumped to the top of the evolutionary ladder these days.

Word Association! When You Say “Cyclist,” I Say “Douchebag.”

Yes, we know – your legs are like tree trunks.

And yes, we know – you have 2% body fat.

And yes, WE KNOW – you’re in the best shape of your life.

The truth is, we don’t give a fuck. When all of you Lance wannabees zip within mere inches of us on the park trail at 120 mph, we are not impressed. In fact, we want to jam something into the spokes of your front tire and let the asphalt do the rest. (At 120 mph, we’re hoping there won’t be much of you left.)

You see, to most guys a bicycle is a childhood recreational vehicle, a way for us to pass the time until we eventually discover our penises. To you, a bicycle is a badge of elitism. A way to announce to the world that despite the fact you didn’t lose your virginity until you were 23, you’ve officially grown into a spandex-wearing badass.

Lord knows every guy needs a gimmick to make himself interesting to the opposite sex, and in a perfect world, the zen-like quality of long distance cycling might be kind of a cool one. In your clumsy hands, however, cycling becomes a Saddam-approved torture device. All your anecdotes involve testicle-numbing 100-mile bike rides, you repeatedly mention your body fat index at your high school reunion, and you make sure to helpfully ask people if they “know how many calories are in that burger.”

It’s highly annoying. Stop acting like a douchebag, and respect the fact that not everybody on the park trail is there to compete for global domination. Some of us are there to enjoy the outdoors, and to forget that the world is full of douchebags like you.

Oh, and incidentally…my gimmick happens to be a 17-inch vibrating penis with a tongue on the end of it. It may not keep me in the best shape of my life, but I find that most people are willing to overlook that.

The World is Full of Injustice, You Useless Fuck-wit

The world is full of injustice that you are doing nothing about, you freeloading piece of shit. Unless you are writing a complaint letter now, on the phone complaining, or punching out some a-hole you aren't doing your fair share for the world.

Your mother probably told you that complaining is bad, but she was wrong about that and premarital sex. Complaining is good because it corrects injustice and annoyingness; however, the majority of complaining is being done by a handful of people who have been labeled as trouble-makers, grinches, curmudgeons, bad-apples, assholes, jerks, bitches, and lawyers. The rest of you are just riding our coat-tails and enjoying your non-sweatshop working conditions, office espresso machines, non-carcinogenic insulation, health insurance, non-lethal medications, and scalding hot liquid warning labels while being thought of as "nice" and getting promoted to managing brown-nosing-weasel for being such a "team player."

The next time you open a puffed-up bag of chips to find the bag is only 1/8 full and that, despite being cushioned with air, 75% of the chips are crushed in to a greasy mash, don'’t look at me.