Horse Promoted After Centuries of Service

After centuries of service to its Imperialist masters, the horse has been promoted to not food.

The horse has been a hapless by-stander near us during our finest moments as total fuck-wits, such as delivering diseased blankets to cold natives, the Civil War, and lynchings.

This week, Members of The House voted 263-146 to outlaw horse-slaughter in recognition of the horse's role in helping the white devil to sweep across this land like a plague (I'm paraphrasing, but that was the gist of things).

While you twats may no longer chop up your horse and ship its carcass to Paris for Frenchies to eat, you may still ass-rape it, force it to run until its legs break, and beat it about the head with sticks. Go America!

Chicks: Good at Science and Stuff, but Still can't Figure out Driving

In today's world chicks can do stuff too, like play sports, go to outer space, and scratch their privates in public. But they still can't drive. Driving is an activity best indulged in at a time when not applying mascara or if you have managed to grow a penis. When you are a chick, you need to apply mascara a lot. Chick-priorities are like this:

1) Shake yo' thang,
2) Apply mascara,
3) Attain sustenance.

I don't want to nit-pick here, but most chicks are either super ugly or slightly ugly, but with a good body. A little black stuff on your eye-hair won't do shit to cover up the fact that you look like Droopy. What you should be doing in your car is arranging your tits. That's the secret ladies. Pass it on.

Why This Weekend Sucked

• iPods have become too cumbersome as humans continue in their quest to evolve into really fat blobs of fat.

• Upcoming film Infamous confirms that Hollywood is officially out of original thinking. The film will rehash a topic covered by last year's Capote: Truman Capote. Oh, and the new James Bond makes out with a dude in it. That's so been done.
  

• Tom Cruise proves himself a back-peddling cunt after apologizing to Brooke Shields. The one thing I could count on in this world, Tom Cruise defying logic in his quest to rid himself of some alien body-squatter, has proven as unreliable as the rest of the crap on this planet.

• Steve Irwin's death reminds the us all that Alanis Morrisette and the majority of high school graduates don't know what ironic means. This will no-doubt result in a resurgence of people actually listening to Ironic.