Fat, Pt. II

It has come to our attention that our recent fat post has bristled a few hairs out there in internetland. I would like to take this moment to reiterate our position on fat asses: you're fat ass because you choose to be fucking fat, you fucking lard ass.

Yes, it does suck that in America it costs $10 to buy a salad but only $4 to buy a triple cheeseburger, large fries, and 32 oz Coke. But still - fat is a choice, like drinking or doing drugs. Nobody put that sixth cheeseburger in your hand, so stop blaming everything else in the world for your corpulence, and start taking some responsibility for it. Especially when you're not just fifteen or twenty pounds overweight, but two hundred. I have no patience for obese people, and frankly they fucking disgust me.

I'm not talking about the lazy American suburban twat with a fifteen pound beer gut. I'm talking about you two and three hundred pounders, straining our health care system like the seams on a pair of your ample-sized pants. Honestly, at what point did you look in the mirror and think, "Whoopsie, looks like I accidentally put on 150 pounds!"

Finally, I would also like to point out the name of our blog. It's not "Americans For Fat Sensitivity," or "Even Fat Puppies Need Love." No...it's called "Daily Defamation." If you don't like what we write, wipe the Oreo crumbs off your keyboard and type in the URL of some other website that caters to your unhealthy, life-threatening need for denial. And while you're at it, save some food for the rest of us, you fucking lard ass.

Tips for the Treatment of Assyness

Are you such an asshole that even your walk is annoying? You can tell this is the case if as you pass by them, people's eyes roll back and they make gagging sounds, but not the kind of gagging sounds that you make when someone smells like ass, the kind you make when they are an ass. There's a difference.

You may also be an ass if people at your office start asking if you've died of syphilis yet. Though you should probably be commended for your display of virtuosity in the practice of assdom, in actuality your coworkers are plotting to get you fired or even killed.

If this sounds like you, it may be a good time to sit down and rethink being such a tool. Here are some tips.

1. Try saying "Thanks" in a non-sarcastic voice. It's a challenge, but well worth your while.
2. Let people get from the parking lot to their desk before you start talking to them about projects. I know it seems like a waste of time, but some people actually have a life outside of work and need a few minutes to get oriented in the morning.
3. Don't talk to your subordinates in a louder, slower voice. They're not retarded, they just hate you.
4. Don't try to smile. Your smile sucks and so does your face. They just highlight what a douche you are.
5. Stop doing the haughty office laugh in the building atrium. Humor is not a zero-sum game. Laughing loudly will not actually use up all the fun so that others can't have any.

The Celebrity “Get Out Of Work Free” Card

Just imagine…if you were a movie star, you could stumble through a Bacchanalian bender that would make Keith Richards proud, then skip the next few days of work and blame it all on “exhaustion.”

Unfortunately, the only folks who get to skip work because of exhaustion are millionaire celebrities, and you’re just a worthless piece of shit like the rest of us. Sure, you probably have more reason to be “exhausted” than these clowns – i.e. your mind-numbing job, your crippling debt, the fact that it’s 110 degrees outside and it costs $1,500 a month to air-condition your home – but it doesn’t matter. You’re still just a worthless piece of shit, and you’re still going to have to show up to work on Wednesday morning, bleary eyed and smelling like Kentucky Bourbon and late-night Taco Cabana.

The trade off? At least nobody’s ever going to write embarrassing stories about you in US Weekly.

Your Perfume/Cologne is in my Way

I'd like to walk past you, but the stench of your perfume/cologne is blocking my way. Is there something wrong with your nose? If so, it was probably caused by breathing in your unending stench.

The way I see it, there are only two reasons to wear a lot of perfume/cologne. The first is that you hate people and want to revel in the wake of dead and dying bodies receding behind you as you pass by in all your suffocating glory. The second is that you are covering up stank-crotch made all the more stanky by the hot weather and the fact that you are a whore. I'd wager on the later.

Put Your Ass on the Seat

No one has ever gotten AIDS from a public restroom, at least not by sitting on the toilet seat, so for God'’s sake, sit down when you take a piss, Ladies! Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. You're a hoverer. Do you know how many trees have died to make the toilet paper I waste wiping your pee off the seat? Lots.

Look, no one puts their dirty bits on the seats anyways. People put their parts over the hole, that's the whole concept. Now get on board!

This Just In - Daily Defamation Site is Offensive

Congratulations to us!

You're Gassy

Fuel prices are too high? Well, you’re the idiot who makes an hour-long commute, alone, in a 4-mpg monster truck that could feasibly transport forty people at $5 a head. People who drive gas-guzzlers and then complain about gas prices are like chain smokers who complain about getting lung cancer.

Conclusion? You’re a tool. Shut up or buy a Honda.

No Need to Rush – You’re Not That Important

Dear Rush-hour Commuters,

Why the hurry? Your morning commute is not a race. How do I know? Because there is no need to race to see who gets to their soul-crushing job first. Your only reward is arriving at work first, and this is not a prize because there's plenty of work for us all. Other workers are not going to use up all the monotony before you get there.

Maybe going fast, running lights, and endangering others makes you forget how pointless you are, but it's really inconsiderate. If you would take some time to mull over your actual value to the universe (universe-value can be calculated by multiplying the number of good things you've done by 0.000000000000000001), you would see that you being on time to work is worth exactly jack crap in the grand scheme of things.

Fat is Not a Disability

Being fat is not a disability, despite the fact that I recently saw a non-blind, non-deaf fat woman at Whole Foods with a "helper" dog. There are two things fundamentally wrong with this situation. One - What does a dog help a fat person to do? Apparently Fatty-eye dogs are good at finding the vitamin section because fat people can't see things that aren't food.

Two - There is no point in wasting your money at Whole Foods if you're fat. You can get fat on cheap food. Whole Foods is for celebrities and thin people who have long ago abandoned all hope of eating Oreos and are therefore heinous and bitter.

In conclusion, being fat is a choice. You are fat because you're lazy and I am bitter because I'm thin. You just can't win.