I Hate Your Children: Part Deuce

I have learned a couple of things doing what we like to call "living life," and one of the things I've learned is that it is totally OK to throw your child's dirty diaper on the side of a residential street, or even into someone's front yard, blatantly disregarding both the law and a long extinct concept called "human decency," or something like that. I can't remember.

At any rate, it is perfectly ok to do this because you are a parent, and as such you are totally exempt from stupid stuff like laws, manners, and the awareness that there are actually other persons living on the planet.

As a parent, there is no need to worry about the fact that your child is running rampant in the restaurant. I'm sure none of the other patrons minds that he has pulled his pants down and is straining to squeeze out a junior deuce in the middle of the entry way. In fact, I'm sure everyone else thinks it's as cute as you do (between trying to swallow back their bile and praying for death), and , yes, a push-pop is a good reward for flashing your ass and attempting to shit in public.

As a parent, there is also no need to be concerned that your child has sustained a single scream for approximately 15 minutes. Other than his slightly disconcerting lung capacity, there is nothing to worry about at all. Just continue eating your meal and chatting away. I'm sure everyone around you will soon be as deaf as you are and probably happy to be so. Better yet, maybe they'll all just leave so there is more room for your offspring, no doubt spawned in some sort of sick tryst between you, a raptor, a professional screaming artist, and the devil, to rampage through the restaurant. Anyways, people without children are a crime against nature and society and deserve to have their ears screamed to shards by your 4-year-old.

Doctors: Overrated

Doctors are getting lazy or possibly stupid. The proof lies in the fact that it costs $150 to be told to take an aspirin but also in the fact that even celebrities, who are supposed to be good looking for a living, can't get decent plastic surgery anymore.

The last time I went to the doctor, he looked at me blankly, told me an impressively boring anecdote about online dating and then gave me a prescription for antibiotics. No test or actual thinking was performed. If I wanted someone who was just making it up, I would go to that homeless guy who shits on the building downtown in broad daylight and ask him for medical advice. He'd probably let me pay him in toilet paper, and with the PPO, maybe I would pay 20 sheets and the insurance would cover the rest.

At any rate, the point I'm making here is that doctors don't know any more about their jobs than you know about yours or than, say, pilots know about theirs. We're all just making shit up between coffee breaks and secretly conducting personal business online.