Handy Office Sign

If you make popcorn, please don't burn it. Apparently, the popcorn button on the microwave doesn't work.

Don't panic.

Popcorn can be made successfully using this simple method:

1) Put popcorn in microwave
2) Wait by microwave
3) When pops are 2 to 3 seconds apart, press stop
4) Remove

Congratulations. You have just been promoted from 'tard to village idiot. Cunt.

Why Can't You Turn Right?

After driving in a straight line, turning right is easily the most simply executed driving maneuver. So why the fuck can't you turn right? You are driving a car. It is designed for driving, including turning right without having to come to a complete stop and pull out to the left, occupying two lanes before casually rounding the corner at 1 mph. The curb is just there, inanimate, it's not going to leap forward to get your beloved car, you self-important, shit-eating fuck-wit. This may come as a shock, but other people also drive around on roads, which incidentally are paid for with public funds, and therefore not owned exclusively by you.

But really, your poor right-turn etiquette is just a symptom of a deeper problem: your total lack of respect for all other life on earth. I know that it's not fashionable to care about other people (although, strangely, it is cool to care about animals), but this is Texas, where I believe we invented road rage, so you might want to take time out from stroking your dick to pay attention before some other self-absorbed lummox takes a tire-iron to your face.

Dallas: Now with Bicycle Rage

Dear Stupid Cunt Guy Riding your Douche-bag Touring Bike Around the Lake with no Helmet,

What is your problem? I realize that you are slow on your bike, and probably a little in the head, but that is no reason to swerve in front of serious bikers who are going faster than you in a way that could have potentially injured people who might actually add some sort of value to society, at a minimum by increasing the normal-human-being to douche ratio. This is especially heinous since you did it on purpose, and then when you were rightfully flipped off, you rode super-fast on your training bike to get in front of those bikers and return the bird before making a u-turn to skulk back to you burrow or den or toilet or what ever crappy place you live in.

At least one of a few things is at work here. First, you probably have a shit job because you are a stupid cunt hated by all. Aforementioned shit job is making you lash out at people who are better than you, which includes pretty much everyone. Secondly, your wife might be a frigid and controlling bitch. I know she was the best you could do, but there is a time when a blow-up doll is a step-up, especially since plastic girls know when to keep their fucking mouths shut (in a manner of speaking). Thirdly, you may have had your penis severed in a freak accident. Fourthly, you may have been watching the local news a lot lately, and let's face it, stupid people are fucking annoying.

Your Logo Shirt Sucks

What you think I think when I see you in your upscale designer logo tee: "Oh wow. Look at that guy/gal dressing down in their designer logo tee. They must have a whole closet full of expensive designer clothes at home and have just chosen to dress casually today in their $80 tee. I have been totally scoreboarded. Man am I a piece of shit."

What I actually think when I see you in your upscale designer tee: "What a cunt."

Sure, Gucci has a t-shirt, Volvo has the S40, and Mercedes has some car that looks like a Honda, but these things are for idiots. Owning one is like bragging about your STD. Sure, it means you had a lot of sex, but it also means your a dirty whore. These low-end upscale products are just another way for the global corporation to take a runny dump all over your face. Go ahead and open your mouth if you want.