Now You Can Finally Say You're Hung Like A Horse

Recurring Themes: Inaccurate Toilet Usage

Once again, someone has completely failed to comprehend proper usage of the toilet. To use it correctly, at least for women, you sit on the seat, go, wipe, throw used paper in the bowl, and flush. Unless you are in porta-potty or there is a scorpion on the seat, there is never any reason to pee all over the seat and then top it off with a smattering of pubes. Anyways, I don't think that pee and pubes kills scorpions. I'm not sure because I'm not an inconsiderate retard.

I can only assume that you, bathroom terrorist, thought that the office restroom, used by only about 20 other women, all of whom appear clean with no obvious odors (except for that one incident in the conference room that I can't describe because it might our male readers reconsider their heterosexuality), was too unclean to make contact with your precious ass and thus you thought it a good idea to pee all over everything and then comb out your snatch over the toilet. News flash: your ass is not any more important than anyone else's.

For God's sake, this is a place of business! Comb your hoo-ha on your own time.

Note from the Daily Def. Celebrity Desk

Lindsay Lohan is still richer and more famous than you, despite the fact that she increasingly looks like a desperate waitress-zombie who just clawed her way out of the '60s. On her worst day, Lindsay has more fun than you will ever have in your worthless little life.

Look, some people are created to slave away at making the world run and others are created to greedily feast on it's sweet, sweet riches. It just so happens that God hates you.

Americans Are Still Fat

After spending 3 weeks overseas, I returned to see that you are all still fat. Way to go. You should be proud that you are so noticeably rotund. If you don't have any respect for yourselves, at least have the courtesy to not make others want to scratch out their own eyes, you sweaty, gelatinous mounds of wuss goo.

It's bad enough that you are lazy shits with no self control, but it's downright criminal that you let you kids get fat. I know that Americans love to go to parenting classes, so I find it hard to believe that no one has ever told you that your 3-year-old doesn't need a six-pack of Pepsi and a Snickers bar as an afternoon snack. Every time I see your fat kid, I want to cry and then kick you in your reproductive gear to make sure you never burden another life-form with your ridiculous lack of common sense.

Please die.

Post Office Funny, this time with out Killing

In a totally shocking turn of events, the USPS was funny. Apparently, with absolutely no irony, the US has printed stamps titled "America: Land of Superlatives," because as some guy said in some related ceremony, "From coast to coast, our nation is blessed with scenic beauty and wondrous sights...the Postal Service is celebrating 40 of America's extraordinary natural and man-made marvels. These stamps provide us with an opportunity to pay homage to those places and things that make this country so spectacular."

Yes the things that make the US spectacular are the largest land mammal,the deepest lake, and the most overrated list of crap. We are truly gods among men. So let us all raise our gigantic glasses in a toast to this, the most kick-asstacular nation in the world, nay, the universe.