Typical Phone Conversation: Installment 1

Vacuum Cleaner Store Clerk: Vacuum world! We suck for you! How can I help you!?

(I know, you're thinking why is the Vacuum store clerk so bizarrely chipper with all those exclamation points and the ridiculous slogan. It's because this little story is set in LA where every clerk is freakishly nice just in case you can get them the acting job they left Iowa for 10 years ago only to end up slinging useless crap to rich cunts with dogs hanging out of their Louis Vuitton bags. Their optimism knows no bounds.)

Tara Reid: Um I'm all puffy. I need lipo.

Vacuum Cleaner Store Clerk: Certainly Miss Reid. I'll just go pick up the Voodoo priestess and we'll be right over.

3 hours later...

Meaning of Life Found to be Meaningless: Irony Ensues

The meaning of life is repetitively showering. If you don't like it, you suck. Go find a new planet and quit your whining.

Endlessly trying to beat back BO is the thread that unites mankind. Ever since cave persons began rubbing themselves with feces to cover up their dirty, dirty whore stink, man has striven for ever better methods of smelling less bad. Think about it. What is the sign of prosperity? A clean, oderless society with endless shelves of deodorant, antiperspirant and perfume. We should stop trying to feed the poor, and start shipping them feminine hygiene spray.

Forget your dreams. Dreams mean nothing. Your career? Pointless. The one shining moment you have on this earth is the one minute after you get out of the shower and begin dousing your gleaming stenchless body with deoderizers. Cherish it bitch.

Cherish it.

The Drunk & The Ugly

Someone sent me this joke via email.

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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

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The moral of the story? That ugly people shouldn't shop at 2 a.m., when drunks are at their most truthful.