For The Hollywood Exec On The Go

Since you guys seem to put this movie out every five years with different actors, I've written this helpful synopsis for you. Now you can just print this out and read it in the next board meeting where the words "dance movie" are mentioned.

"Boy from wrong side of tracks meets rich girl from right side of tracks. Through dance, they learn about friendship, love, and even life. He introduces her to his edgy, street-smart dance philosophy, which is a reflection of the rough-and-tumble environment he grew up in. In turn, she takes him on a guided tour through the halls of the socially and economically privileged, and introduces him to a softer, more compassionate side of life. Then, during the Really Big Dance Finale, they realize that their skills aren't all that's fully blossomed - their love has too."

Coming soon: The Dysfunctional Family Drama That Stars A Popular Actor Playing A Gay Character

Your Graduate Degree is Worthless

Spending 2 - 5 years getting a graduate degree was a waste. You'll still go only as far as you can coast on looks, charm, and daddy's money. And if you could have gotten far with any of those, you wouldn't have wasted your youth studying.

Ever since 9-11, every schmo has an MBA. You're just another idiot who wasted the severance package from his telecom job on tuition when you should have spent it on hookers. And if you have a PhD, you're just an idiot whose lesser-degreed boss resents him and will never promote him.

If you're getting a graduate degree now, let me give you a glimpse at your future:

You'll graduate in a few years to find the economy in the shitter. You'll search for a job for months, meanwhile toiling as a waiter, house painter, or freelance writer. You'll finally take a corporate job doing something that couldn't be further from what you dreamed you'd be doing after convincing yourself you can use the crap job as a stepping stone. You can't. This crap job is now your career. You'll be earning tens of thousands less than you expected and you'll never be able to make up that salary gap because the only way to make a lot of money is to already make a lot of money.

In the end, you'll be a 30-something wash-out with no prospects and adult acne. You'll be working for the owner's son, who's making 6 figures even though he never took the last 2 credits to finish his Associates at the local community college. In almost every situation you'll find yourself muttering, "I can't believe I need a [fill in degree attained] to do this," and even though you know this makes you sound like a pompous piece of shit, you'll be unable to stop yourself.

10 reasons you should kill yourself

1. Nobody likes you. At least nobody you want to like you likes you. They probably talk about you when you aren't there. "Hey, I'm glad they're gone, can you believe what they wore to work today? I know, I can't tell if its the cologne or just stink."

2. You are in debt. Seriously, you just keep racking it up like you're going to die tomorrow anyway. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life just working to pay that debt off so some corporation can rest peacefully while you rot?

3. You are not important. You'll work your entire life trying to make a name for yourself, to be important. Nobody will remember you.

4. The world sucks. Wars, famine, pestilence and terrorists. Why stick around?

5. You are ugly. Have you turned on the TV lately? Any show or commercial will clue you in to the fact that you are NOT attractive.

6. The Lord Of The Rings film trilogy is complete. There will be no more.

7. You could die in a car wreck, which is much more painful than sitting in the garage with the car running while you fall asleep. I'm just saying.

8. You hate your job. Unless you like waking up every morning to go to a place full of people you hate, in a company you hate. If you dig that, thats your Bobby Brown. But this means you are stupid and should go ahead and kill yourself. (See #9)

9. You are stupid. Help God thin the herd before he throws lightning at you. Are you an astronaut? A Scientist? No? You work in a cubicle writing reports? Yeah, that means you are retarded and are not making the earth better. You're just using up the air that the rest of us would like to have.

10. Robots. Think about it.

Guest Post by Chad, Defamer colleague

Babies Don't Smell Sexy

Baby powder is not a good signature scent for a woman. Ever. You shouldn't smell powdery unless you're a baby, a prenatal nurse, or in the middle of changing a diaper. Even in those cases, it's just a necessity, not a fashion "do."

There are so many things wrong with baby powder smell on an adult that I hardly know where to begin. To start off, who decided it was sexy to smell like you have an ass rash? What makes you think that baby powder is a smell that might attract a viable mate? Any man who wants to tap "that" when "that" smells like an infant's most foul and dirty parts is probably a latent molester or one of those weird guys who wants you to nurse him and give him a spanking.

Baby powder is the kind of scent a woman should wear while trying to seduce a death row inmate or while browsing Rainbow for a skirt that shows off her labia. It's a good scent if you're planning your wedding at a NASCAR event or if you've ever watched an episode of that red neck TV show with Jeff Foxworthy. If you don't understand what I mean, I mean it's trashy.

If you like the smell of baby powder, ask yourself why you are so keen on smelling like something that cries all night and has yellow shit. Then ask yourself why you enjoying making people in your general vicinity struggle to keep their lunch down as they free associate your perfume with any number of terrible moments they've spent near a public restroom trash can, or if you live in my neighborhood, terrible moments you've spent in your local CVS parking lot.

Look, don't feel bad just because you like the powdery perfume. First, I'm sure there are a lot worse things about you to feel bad about. Anyways, my mom always said there is someone out there for everyone and I know there are just oodles of pre-teen girls soccer coaches in Plano eager to marry to throw the cops of the trail. I'm sure you'll be very happy (until the trial).

My God, Do You Eat Shit?

How is it possible that your body can create such a horribly pervasive, all-encompassing stink? Can you not smell your own stink? Really, If that came out of me I would drive myself to the emergency room. Yes, stinky poo guy, when you use the bathroom, your poo wages total war on the entire office. Your defecant mows over the stall as if it is not even there, ruining lives and most likely chemically sterilizing innocent bathroom occupants who are not trying to make the Guiness Book of World Records with their ungodly stink.

But does your fecal creation stop there? Perhaps, if it were the worst poo any normal person had ever made, but not your poo. Even the bathroom door, the last hope of an odor-free office, is completely useless. Yes, the door can STOP FIRE, but not the smell of your crap. And once its free of the bathroom there is nothing to stop it, the hall is invaded first, but the kitchen soon falls victim.

Now, normally, I would have to question any architect who would put the office kitchen so close to stinky poo guy's porcelain throne of doom, but really how can you fault him. The forces involved in your pervasive fecal stink are simply too great for anyone to have imagined, let alone predicted. No sir, the fault lies squarely on your shoulders. Stinky poo guy, something is wrong with you - innocent people are being hurt - do something about it.

Here are some suggestions:

Change your diet:While I'm sure you enjoy your diet of fried chicken and animal fat; it smells like you eat crap.

Change your job: You are too fat to work here anyways and everybody hates you.

Use the bathroom at home: While I'm sure your fat cheating whore-of-a-wife would leave you, and your below average children might become retarded, that is much better than ruining my day.

Donate yourself to science: Its quite possible that you are a disease on mankind that needs to be cured.

Kill yourself: This is probably best, as you are a worthless, overpaid ass who has never actually contributed anything useful to the world.

Guest Post by Dan, Defamer Sibling

Signs That Your Rap Career Results In Shitty Rap

-You misspell “Clique.” Not because it’s street, but because you actually thought it was spelled that way.

-Half your song is bleeped out on the radio because you can’t think of actual lyrics, so you just cuss a lot. Which is boring and not at all menacing anymore because you know who else I know that cusses that much? My friend's 3-year-old.

-You repeat the chorus 157,000 times in your song. In fact, there never really were any verses - just chorus. Lots and lots of chorus.

-You’re trying to put places like Birmingham on the map.

-You were discovered by the guy who was discovered by the guy who was discovered by the guy who was discovered by 50 Cent.

-Your clothing label is only available at Miller’s Outpost and Gadzooks.

-You still rhyme “Texas” with “Lexus.”

-Your music is to be best appreciated under the influence of cough syrup.

-You ceaselessly talk about how rich you are on your first single, when everybody knows that musicians don’t earn shit until well into their secoond or third album. Interscope rented that Bentley for your video, so please – stop embarrassing yourself by tossing dollar bills out the sunroof. We all know you’re leaving the shoot in the same shitty ’87 Mazda you used to stalk Jay-Z in.

-Instead of making me bob my head, your music makes me want to roll over. And die.