Reader Fun

Feel free to send us photos of you feeces encrusted, half nibbled office baked goods. We'll publish anything that doesn't have a puss covered cock on it.

PS - if you send us a photo of a puss covered anything or your genitals, I will find you and [censored] your fucking [censored]. Got it?

Another Office Memo, From The Editorial Desk Of The Daily Def

Dear Rat Person

When somebody at the office sets out a box of free pastries, bagels or otherwise bready-type food for all to enjoy, this is not an invitation to pick at every single one until you find the flavor that most suits your fancy.

People do not like opening a box of donuts only to find half of them nibbled at. It’s not just the nibbling that’s disgusting – it’s the thought of your fat and possibly shit-encrusted fingers making contact with our breakfast. Would you like if I fondled your sandwich before you ate it? Didn’t think so.

You should really take a long hard look at yourself, and consider what other members of the animal kingdom are prone to “nibbling.” The answer is a) rats, b) cockroaches, c) vultures, d) bottom-feeding shrimp, and e) Nicole Richie.

If you’re feeling a mite peckish, grab a muffin and take it back to your desk. Consume what your body needs for sustenance, and then throw the rest away or send it to starving kids in China. DON’T BY ANY MEANS stick it back in the box.

I know who you are, Rat Person. If you continue to do this, I’m going to start tea-bagging your keyboard.

Things that Annoy me now

1) People who put up photos of just themselves. Not them and their spouse. Not them and their child. Not even them in front of some meaningful landmark or at graduation or something. Just them. Even worse, a painting of themselves. Over the mantel. Or over their bed. You're obviously a total cunt wrapped in a steaming pile of shit wrapped in a dirty asshole. Why would you want to look at that all day?

2) Public toilets that flush with nuclear force shooting poo-water onto hapless bystanders. Is there anyone who can generate a poo of such mass that it requires the force of Niagara Falls to cram it into our sewer system? If such a dense poo were created, would its mass be so great that a black hole would be formed sucking the pooer into an alternate universe where they would embarrassingly materialize in the sky with their pants around their ankles before succumbing to gravity and falling to their death? Something to think about ...

3) People using the phone when email is readily available. Why should we have to hold some antiquated gizmo to our ear to ignore your annoying voice when we could be surfing the internet and ignoring your emails instead.

Small Breasted Women Unite

Small breasted women should unite to rise up against "the Man," also known as the lingerie industry. "The Man" thinks that women with less than a B-cup can't be sexy and therefore makes nothing but crappy training bras in sizes A and AA. If a small chested woman wants to wear a plunging neckline, she should probably just put some duct tape over her mosquito bites, because the company that makes the "U" bra doesn't think you're capable of having sex appeal. Either that, or they want to see your nipples every time you lean over. You should probably just put on some overalls and a plaid shirt and start reproducing through asexual budding because that's what the world thinks of women who have the audacity to accept what nature gave them instead of augmenting themselves with silicon.

It's bad enough that big-tatted girls already get all the free drinks. At least leave the flat chested with their dignity and something a little lacy.