When did we get so Moist?

When did Americans get so fucking moist? If you need a tube of chapstick and a bottle of water to get through a 30 minute meeting, you are too moist and a horrific ass. Now that terrorists have tried to kill people with liquid explosives, this issue is coming to the forefront. Suddenly we are faced with the prospect of being trapped on a flying death machine not only with potential suicide bombers, but also without our precious lotions and water-bottles. Stop worrying about making it for five hours without a tube of lotion. No amount of lotion is going to fix the fact that you're ugly, not even on a plane.

This problem goes beyond copious liquid consumption and cream smearing. Being moist is turning us into a bunch of drippy pussies. Things like earthworms, tadpoles, and men's farts are moist. Tough people aren't moist. Look at Clint Eastwood. He's shriveled as a prune and drier than an old biddy's vag but he can still kick the cellulite cream off you ginormous ass even though he's about 100.

America, The Suckiful

If you were a dude, America, you’d be kind of a dick.

Oh sure, you run around declaring yourself as the richest, freest, most democratic nation in the world. But if you're so awesome...

How come I have to own stock in morally questionable corporations in order to retire with enough money to eat, pay rent, and buy hemorrhoid medication?

How come I pay so many goddamn taxes, but nothing I need ever gets accomplished?

How come only rich people get opportunities to make themselves richer? They’re already rich, they don’t need any more goddamn money.

How come there’s so many douchebags who wear their scrubs out to the bars?

How come our children are so goddamn ignorant?

How come the second Amendment always seems to wind up in the hands of homicidal crackheads?

How come all our football commentators sound mentally retarded?

How come we bitch about polygamists but then everybody gets married like three or four times?

How come the government can spy on me, but I go to jail for looking in my neighbor’s window?

How come we escaped a Christian monarchy in England only to aggressively try to establish one here?

And finally…how come there’s so many goddamn fat chicks?