Millions Of People Can Be Wrong

Every day around three o’clock, the office sheep begin their usual migration to Starbucks. They swing by my desk and ask me if I want anything, despite the fact that I’ve said “no” well over a thousand times previously.

I hate Starbucks. I’m not just trying to be anti-corporate – I really truly hate their product. Its popularity puzzles me as much as Long John Silvers' did in the 80s.

Starbucks coffee is basically burnt motor oil served at 750 degrees. Or better yet, Starbucks reminds me of what comes out of my asshole after a weekend of championship boozing. Black. Malignant. Foreboding. And yet twats like you drop six bucks for a 32-oz cup of it.

Here’s a tip: if you like to drink coffee, you should try sampling different brands and types until you find one you like. Don’t just listen to what the billion-dollar corporation is trying to tell you with its cute product names, fancy green logo, and omnipresent locations. Believe me, freedom of choice is pretty cool once you get used to having the giant fiber-optic cable pulled out of your brain.

Think for yourself. It’s why God put that squishy pink thing inside your skull.

More Useful Office Signs

Things You Could Rap About Were You Not so White and/or Uncool

1) Rhetorical inquiries in to who might be the boss. Implied answer: You yourself are indeed the boss.

2) Putting rocks and/or ice on women, I can only assume because you like your ladies natural.

3) Whips and blades. You are a kinky bastard, you dirty, dirty whore-man.

4) Rolling. I am not sure when or where it is appropriate to roll, but if you can figure it out, you should definitely rap about it.

Pets Rule

Daylight Savings Time Fucking Sucks

Whoever thought up daylight savings time is a cunt. It's possibly the worst idea ever, second in numb-skulledness only to working or maybe being born. Now, not only do we have to spend our lives toiling away like pointless drones, we have to spend all of our precious daylight hours stuck in an office. And the cherry on the shit sundae is that we have to drive home in the dark with a bunch of other Seasonal Affective Disordered mother-fuckers who just can't wait to purge their depressive rage by running us into a ditch and then beating us to death with their attache case.

In addition to the extreme inconvenience that DST causes me personally, it's also a waste of electricity. Just because some farmers need to see the crops or something ridiculous like that, "the man" has decided that we should stick some extra daylight into the part of the day we sleep through and stay awake in the dark, burning fossil fuels and probably spraying aerosol cans into the sky in a desperate attempt to entertain ourselves. That's right. Fuck you Ozone.

Why can't farmers just get up one hour later? I mean, there are like three of them. But no. Instead, we all get to look forward to a long, bleak winter of getting fat in the dark.