Unsolicited Proofreading Improves Life for Poor, Starving Children

What possesses you to spend your personal time writing e-mail to bloggers about a) a typo, b) a misspelling, or c) your stupid opinions? If you want to type flawlessly, spell correctly, and have someone give a shit about what you think, stop e-griping at others and write your own blog. This also applies to any other pointless whining your doing about what's in the newspapers, magazines, movies, or on TV. You actually can point your eyes away when you don't like looking at something.

But nobody will notice your a failure if you make enough noise pointing out the failures of others. Right? Because when God handed down the commandments to Mosses, the 11th one was, "Thou shalt not do anything worthwhile if thou can complain about what others accomplish." It got left off because some ass-hole sent a tablet to Mosses complaining about a typo.

So maybe instead of masturbating while you cruise the internet for typographical errors, you should go out and do something to make the world a better place. Just wash your hands first.

Surreptitious Farting Kills Hope for World Peace

Bad news assholes, as long as you keep surreptitiously farting in public, there is no hope for world peace. I know that exposure to a large open space can give you the urge to take a territorial shit, but try to remember that we are a part of this "civilization" thingy that requires behavior slightly above the "ape" level, including holding in your farts while stuck in the middle of a large, milling crowd of your fellow citizens. American malls are absolutely lousy with bathrooms in which you may blast out the remains of that jalapeno cheese log in private. Just a suggestion.

Let's All Admit that we Hate Each Other

Let's all admit that we really only want to interact with people we know. After that, we are willing to talk to people we would have sex with and people from whom we can bum smokes. After that, celebrities, the lady who brought cup-cakes, and people with dogs. Regardless of these facts, please don't sit at a table for four if you are a party of two. I know that it's like so gross to have to sit next to another couple and make the effort to ignore them even though they are only 6-inches away, but you are wasting space. It's the lunch rush. You may not care about efficiency, but some people do and they wish you were dead.

Now maybe you aren't sitting at the four-top in an attempt to not speak to other people. Maybe you are dodging some foreigner's B.O. or you are at that booth because your ass is too big for anything but a booth. Either way, you are inconveniencing people and those people think you're an piece of shit. Because of you, they have to take their lunch to-go and eat it in a soul-crushing corporate prison. So as a New Year's resolution, wake up tomorrow, sit at an appropriately sized table, and stop acting like a douche.

You Can’t Overestimate the Importance of Not Sucking

Not sucking is an important factor, dare I say a necessity, in your quest for success. Too bad for you that 99% of people suck hard.

Why do people suck? That's a question for the ages that I will answer here in a few concise sentences. I guess it all started when God created man. It didn't turn out that well, but God was like, "Fuck it."” There were other solar systems in the universe.

Later that epoch, the 21st century happened. People still sucked, but God was too busy to slap them around like he did back in the Old Testament. The only consolation was that life on Earth was miserable, and that man was too stupid to invent functional space craft to escape himself and dirty up another planet.

In conclusion, Man has failed because of his innate suckitude. That's why today, we all sit in our cubicles vowing to go on a diet and secretly shopping online instead of doing important things like our worthless jobs.

Your Office Hates Pets

Why is it ok to bring your kids to work, but not your pets? This is racism against people who hate kids and we can't stand for it. HR seems to believe that pets are bad for the workplace because people might be allergic to them or afraid of them, or possibly that someone might bring in a rabid possum that they think is cute, but in actuality is just a dirty rat-thing they befriended in their garage while they were hiding the bodies.

First, let me say that a mild allergic reaction or a little pants-peeing caused by a dog is nothing compared to the 72-hour stomach flu your devil-baby is spreading around. You know, the one where you have to sit on the toilet with a trash can in front of you because crap is just shooting out of everywhere? No, you don't know because your as immune to his dysentery as you are to the concept of not being a douche.

It's also pretty inefficient when you force your co-workers to fill in for your nanny as you jaunt around the office making copies or what not. Why are you so much more important than the rest of us? What's wrong with daycare? Isn't it enough that you've ruined our movies, our malls, our restaurants, and our public parks? Do you have to take work too?

Adventures With I.T., Pt. 1

IT GUY: What’s going on?

ME: Well, I can’t seem to get my password to work today.

IT GUY: Did you type it in wrong?

ME: No. I tried it like twenty times.

IT GUY: Okay…(SIGH!!!)…let’s see what the error message says. What’s your password?

ME: It’s Francisco. F-R-A-N-C-I-S-C-O.

IT GUY: That’s not how you spell Francisco.

ME: Um…it’s my middle name, motherfucker. I think I know how to spell it.

(LONG PAUSE)

IT GUY: I’m going to have to keep your laptop for a couple of weeks. It’ll need to run a complete diagnostic on it. In the meantime, you can use the community desktop PC.

ME: You mean the one that runs Windows ’98?

IT GUY: Yep.

ME: Well fuck me.

Sometimes Your Friends Suck

Sometimes your friends are douche bags and there's nothing you can do about it because it's too late to make new friends. Ultimately, there comes a time in every friendship when your friend is an utter disappointment. Normally this would be a good time to walk away from the relationship, but the likelihood is that you will be incapable of finding another person who is remotely tolerable, so you might as well selectively forget whatever twatastic infraction it was that said friend committed and go out for a drink. You can secretly make a Voodoo doll with shed hair you found in their car and stab the shit out of its eyes later that evening. Of course, everyone knows that Voodoo doesn't work, but it's a nice way to fill the time between crying jags and bouts of heavy drinking.

In truth, your shitty friend is just serving his role in the craptacular disaster parade we call life. This is all your bad because you expect too much. Boiled down, life is simply a series of disappointments strung together with fleeting moments of a delusion we like to call "happiness." You might also know it as "cocaine," but let's not get hung up on semantics.

KFC Jump Starts Alien Obesity Epidemic

KFC has decided that the best solution to the American obesity problem is a universal obesity problem. The KFC logo is now visible from the air. Greasy chicken and reconstituted potatoes for all!

So You've Been Re-elected

Now that you've been re-elected, you may be short on stuff to do. Yes, now that all that arm-pumping, baby-kissing, and platitude-spewing is out of the way, it's hard to fill up a whole day. Here are some suggestions:

1) Go home and stroke your massive fortune. Thank God the destitute masses have someone who understands their needs.
2) Touch-up your coif with the janitor's floor waxer.
3) Re-sign pact with the devil. You've been putting it off, but it's time. It's not like a better anti-Christ is going to come along any time soon.
4) Get the inside of your ass cleaned. I guess they call that a High Colonic? Anyways, you spend a lot of time in there; time to freshen things up.

Some People are too Dumb to Breathe

More Useful Office Signs

Dear Sick People Who Insist on Coming to Work,

Go the fuck home. Sneeze on your own shit for a change.

Thanks,
The People Who Have Miraculously Somehow Avoided Your Tainted Snot.

God Still Hates You (Unless You're Fabulous, and by Fabulous, I Mean Rich)

If this is your car, you might just be the worst person on earth. Nothing says "I'm religious" like rubbing your wealth and moral superiority in the faces of others. If you like this bumper sticker, you might also want to consider some of my personal favorites:

"Jesus says, 'Poor people suck!'"
"If you're not rich, it's 'cause God hates you."
"God: Smiting the crap out of poor people since 2000 B.C."
"Poor people smell like doody."
"I'm better than you. Think about it."
"Hell is for the working-class."

Now, it would be my guess that this bumper sticker was intended for a beater, thus the joke being that the car is crappy and the sticker is facetious. However, luckily for those of us who enjoy righteous indignation, some douche bag thinks it's a good idea to cruise around in a $50,000 car while rubbing his asshole all over our faces. I'm not positive, but I think that constitutes reckless driving in the state of Texas.

I actually saw this bumper sticker on a Lexus on my drive home from work where I work for a living in order to have stuff like food and a house. I can only assume that God has forsaken me, as a pile of money and the desire to act like a total cunt have not just dropped from heaven into my lap. I guess I'll be seeing the rest of you average American mother-fuckers in Hell.

Happiness is for Idiots

It's impossible for useful people to be happy and vice versa. Happiness is the domain of ridiculously stupid dogs and Alzheimer's patients, everyone else is just faking it. This is because real happiness inhibits your ability to do everything except sit around like a drooling tard. That's why it is dished out in minute doses like orgasms, and candy bars, and the wind blowing people's comb-overs up.

If your only goal in life is to be happy, your life is pointless. You can never achieve this. Happiness is a bitch-goddess who wakes you up early with a blow job, then makes you coffee, and then dumps a steaming cup of it on your crotch and punches you in the throat. She is one gnarly lady. I don't know how she even comes up with that shit.

In case you're not familiar with metaphor, what I'm trying to say here is that Happiness is a zero-sum game. If something good happens to you, several bad things have to happen to someone else, probably also you.

Just for the record, happiness converts to unhappiness at a rate of roughly 1:2. For every whiff of new car smell, the universe owes you two incidents of running your shin into the table leg and a heaping helping of getting old and death.

Millions Of People Can Be Wrong

Every day around three o’clock, the office sheep begin their usual migration to Starbucks. They swing by my desk and ask me if I want anything, despite the fact that I’ve said “no” well over a thousand times previously.

I hate Starbucks. I’m not just trying to be anti-corporate – I really truly hate their product. Its popularity puzzles me as much as Long John Silvers' did in the 80s.

Starbucks coffee is basically burnt motor oil served at 750 degrees. Or better yet, Starbucks reminds me of what comes out of my asshole after a weekend of championship boozing. Black. Malignant. Foreboding. And yet twats like you drop six bucks for a 32-oz cup of it.

Here’s a tip: if you like to drink coffee, you should try sampling different brands and types until you find one you like. Don’t just listen to what the billion-dollar corporation is trying to tell you with its cute product names, fancy green logo, and omnipresent locations. Believe me, freedom of choice is pretty cool once you get used to having the giant fiber-optic cable pulled out of your brain.

Think for yourself. It’s why God put that squishy pink thing inside your skull.

More Useful Office Signs